Archie’s Weird Mysteries, Episode 05 – Attack of the 50-Foot Veronica

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-01-Riverdale-High-Reporter.jpgWriter: Jymn Magon
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 30, 1999
Length: 22:19

Note: This episode is placed fourth on the DVD.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-02-titleAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-03-RHSAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-04-Archie-Dilton-labThe episode opens at Riverdale High at night.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-05-Archie-Dilton-growth-rayAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-06-Dilton-Archie-growth-rayArchie is taking notes for a potential article about Dilton’s latest invention: a growth ray to use on produce to eradicate hunger. Archie compares this to H.G. Wells’ Food of the Gods. That’s…not at all the same thing (although giants are involved, so I guess it’s a kind of foreshadowing).

Dilton’s ready to test his new growth ray. Archie excitedly compares Dilton to Algernon. Um, okay.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-07-Dilton-fires-growth-rayDilton puts on gloves and goggles, turns on the growth ray, and zaps the produce.

By the way, this shot above was used in the commercial (which aired with every episode) that explained the premise of the series. This shot was specifically used to illustrate the experiment that went awry that caused Riverdale to become a magnet for all things weird. This is, of course, completely incorrect. No, you can’t even say this episode is supposed to go chronologically first, since Archie already has his column. There is no actual origin episode for this series. Archie Comics itself would provide the origin in Archie’s Weird Mysteries, No. 1 (cover-dated February of 2000), in the issue-length story, “Just Another Paranormal Day in Riverdale”. The actual piece of equipment that started the mess is called the Quarkinator. Good luck buying any of the issues now, though; they’re either unavailable or hella expensive. Stick with the trade paperback.

Anyway, since nothing immediately happens, Dilton’s convinced he failed. Archie says it was a nice try and offers to buy Dilton a burger. They leave. Clean-up? What’s that?

By the way, if you want a good nerd-like curse, try Dilton’s “Dang frizzle-frazzle fooey to the Nth degree!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-08-bug-growsWell, apparently, there was a bug hidden in the produce. So the growth ray does work. Just not as fast as Dilton predicted. And on living things only.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-09-Pop'sAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-10-Pop-JugheadAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-11-Jughead-asleepThe next day (I guess), at Pop’s, Jughead’s asleep, and Pop arrives with a platter full of cheeseburgers, which wakes Jughead up. It turns out that this is merely his appetizer, and he’ll be ordering his main course in five minutes.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-12-Jughead-ketchupDude, that’s gross.

Jughead momentarily gets distracted by something outside (the giant bug) but then ignores it and chows down.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-13-Veronica-ArchieVeronica is grossed out by Jughead, but Archie dismisses it, saying he’s “just Jughead”. He asks her if she’s finished her guest list for her big pool party.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-14-Veronica-Archie-listShe has, but she hasn’t invited Jughead, which upsets Archie.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-15-Veronica-Archie-JugheadVeronica points out many ways in which Jughead is “different”, and Archie asks her what’s wrong with that. She says it bothers people, and she doesn’t want him scaring off her guests. Archie’s upset at her and asks how she’d like it if people thought she was different. Veronica says she’s not, and that’s why everyone “adores” her.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-16-Jughead-walking.jpgLater, Jughead’s walking along when his watch’s alarm goes off.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-17-Jughead-watch-1AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-18-Jughead-watch-2“3:26. Time for a snack.”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-19-Jughead-burger-hatDude, that’s fucking gross.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-20-Jughead-Cooper-houseAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-21-Jughead-rings-doorbellLater, Jughead shows up at Betty’s.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-22-Betty-apronAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-23-Betty-happyBetty is happy to see him and invites him in, saying she was just baking a cake for Veronica’s pool party tomorrow. Who serves cake at a pool party? That thing’s gonna melt so fast.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-24-Betty-uh-oh“Oh, shit…”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-25-Betty-uh-oh-2“…I fucked up.”

Betty apologizes. Jughead doesn’t care and offers to help.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-26-Betty-Jughead-kitchenAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-27-Betty-Jughead-kitchen-2AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-28-Betty-Jughead-kitchen-3Her chocolate cake is just rising, and she goes to open the oven. Jughead prevents her. I love Betty’s over-the-top reaction (complete with a gasp) at the realization that she nearly ruined the cake.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-29-Betty-Jughead-oven.jpgSo it turns out that Jughead knows way more about this stuff than Betty.

Betty realizes she left the icing out in the car and goes to get it. Ew.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-30-Betty-shadow.jpg“Oh, shit.”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-31-giant-bugAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-32-Betty-screamsAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-33-glasses-shattersAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-34-Betty-screams-2So Betty screams…kind of. It sounds more like the annoying sound that a kid that’s trying to get under your skin would make. But the show wants us to believe it’s loud enough to break glass, including a, well, glass, a vase, and the oven’s window. Bullshit.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-35-Jughead-cake“You killed Cakey! You bastard!”

Then Jughead goes to check on Betty (the cake takes priority, y’know). He tells the “cakewrecker” to leave, and it does. But that’s not enough for Jughead.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-36-Jughead-rides-bugDude, why?

The bug throws Jughead to the ground and attacks him. Jughead runs away. A chase ensues in Betty’s front yard.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-37-Betty-runs“Fuck this shit!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-38-Betty-phone-1AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-39-Betty-phone-2Why is she hesitating/worried?

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-40-Betty-phone-3So Betty calls Archie and is like “Get the fuck over here right fucking now!” By the way, we see Betty dial his number. In case you’re wondering, Archie’s cell phone number is 539-573. Yeah, that’s it.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-41-Veronica-balloonsAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-42-Archie-balloonsAnyway, Archie’s busy blowing up balloons for Veronica’s party. Why are the two of them doing this? Couldn’t she have gotten some staff members to do this?

Betty yells “There’s a beetle over here, and he’s really big!” Archie asks “Paul McCartney?” Betty flips her shit and screams at Archie. Archie promptly ditches Veronica, declaring “I smell a weird mystery.” Not trusting the “boy-crazy blonde”, Veronica goes with Archie.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-43-Cooper-houseAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-44-Archie-Betty-VeronicaAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-45-Veronica“Bitch, please.”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-46-Archie-BettyI believe it.”

Veronica insults Archie and tries to get “Cooper” to fess up.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-47-JugheadAn exhausted Jughead comes in and confirms Betty’s story. Betty calls him brave (because he jumped on a giant bug when it was already leaving?) and asks him if he’s all right. Jughead laments the death of the cake. Veronica calls him a “weirdo”. Then there’s sort of an odd zoom-in on Veronica before…

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-48-Archie-DiltonAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-49-Veronica-appleArchie and Veronica go to the high school’s physics lab, where Veronica is bored as Archie discusses the giant beetle with Dilton. Veronica’s like “Balloons, damn it!” Archie’s like “Hold your shit, girl!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-50-Veronica-ray-1“Ooh, is this a vibrator?”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-51-Veronica-ray-2“Will it make me tingle?”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-52-Veronica-ray-3AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-53-Veronica-ray-4“Well, yeah, but this isn’t what I was expecting.”

Veronica turns the ray off. Archie asks Dilton if his growth ray was somehow connected with the bug. Dilton doubts it, because it had no effect on the vegetables (nor the fruits, but he doesn’t mention them). Veronica wants to go. Archie thanks Dilton and then…

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-54-Veronica-ArchieAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-55-Veronica-Archie-2…asks an obviously taller (and wider) Veronica if she’s gotten high heels. Rather than noticing she’s taller, Veronica just smiles sweetly.

Veronica talks about men always feeling so inferior and then says bye to Dilton as she and Archie leave.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-56-Lodge-mansionAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-57-Veronica-phoneAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-58-Veronica-phone-2That evening, at Lodge Manor, Veronica’s on the phone with Fresco Fashions, complaining about how her dress has “shrunk”.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-59-window-weird-angleThere’s also a weird zoom-out from Veronica’s bedroom window at a slanted angle.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-60-Veronica-phone-3Anyway, after the person says Veronica might be putting on weight, Veronica angrily hangs up and sets her phone to charge.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-61-Veronica-clothesVeronica blames whatever cleaner that Smithers sent her clothes to.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-62-Veronica-windowUnfortunately, Archie arrives, and Veronica isn’t ready. He just honks the horn instead of coming to the door. Keep him waiting, girl.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-63-Veronica-jogging-suitAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-64-Archie-WTFAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-65-Archie-WTF-2AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-66-Archie-WTF-3“What the fuck?”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-67-Veronica-bangs-headVeronica thinks Archie lowered the roof of his car. Archie, for his part, doesn’t question anything except Veronica wearing her dad’s jogging suit. How can these two be so stupid?

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-68-monsterAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-69-Veronica-kidSo they go to see a monster movie (probably meant to be 1998’s Godzilla), and Veronica’s so tall that she’s blocking a kid’s view. He yells at her. Why doesn’t he just change seats?

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-70-Veronica-ArchieAnyway, before Veronica can call him a name, she notices Archie isn’t exactly having the best time.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-71-cinemaAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-72-cinema-2After the movie lets out, Veronica criticizes the plot about giant monsters.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-73-Veronica-carAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-74-Veronica-ArchieAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-75-Veronica-Archie-2AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-76-Veronica-Archie-3Only after Veronica pretty much completely ruins Archie’s car does he seem to suspect something’s seriously wrong.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-77-Cooper-houseAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-78-Archie-chairThe next day, Archie is sitting outside, enjoying nature, as teens in the 1990s were known to do. He asks Betty what the fuck she’s doing.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-79-Betty-bushesShe’s “scaring off bugs”. Okay, well, have fun. Even Archie rolls his eyes at this and reminds her that animal control captured the giant beetle yesterday. And yet there are no news crews or scientists descending on Betty’s house.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-80-Betty-assAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-81-Betty-ass-2This shot was very necessary.

Anyway, Archie is perplexed about Veronica, because her growth doesn’t fit into what he believes his weird mysteries are “supposed to be” about. It’s worth noting neither of Veronica’s supposed friends seem particularly concerned about her.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-82-Archie-BettyAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-83-Archie-Betty-sticksAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-84-Archie-sticks“That’s it! These sticks have given me the answer! Away to Dilton!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-85-Betty-angryBetty, Veronica’s supposed best friend, is merely upset that Veronica “bugs” her. No concern at all.

Fade out. Fade in. But no commercial break, because the music is continuous.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-86-RHSArchie goes to the high school physics lab and discusses things with Dilton.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-87-Dilton-rayDilton reveals the growth ray doesn’t work on “non-animal objects”. That’s some highly selective scientific bullshit.

Dilton also reveals the machine was left on yesterday. So what was that sound effect that I heard, like Veronica was turning it off?

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-88-Archie-shakes-Dilton“Good God, man!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-89-Archie-pulls-Dilton“To the pool party!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-90-pool-partyAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-91-Dilton-ArchieAt the pool party, Archie marvels over the food. Dilton asks him why Jughead isn’t here. Archie tells him.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-92-Dilton-Archie-VeronicaAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-93-VeronicaAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-94-crowd-oh-shitOkay, how is it that none of the staff or Veronica’s parents have noticed this?

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-95-giant-Veronica-crowdWhat’s up with the legs of the girl on the left? And why does the blonde girl in the green swimsuit seemingly not care that Veronica is a fucking giant?!

Veronica says her “swimsuits seem to have shrunk”, so she sewed them all together. *bangs head against desk* You can’t expect me to believe Veronica can sew!

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-96-Betty-shockedBetty realizes Archie was right, because she never once went to check on her supposed best friend up to this point.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-97-Veronica-jumps-poolVeronica decides it’d be a great idea to jump in the pool.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-98-guests-soakedIt’s not.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-99-Veronica-poolAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-100-Veronica-pool-2Of course, Veronica’s still a dumbass and thinks the pool was inadequately filled.

The crowd somehow has a premonition, because they react to Veronica’s next growth spurt before it starts to occur. Anyway, Veronica shakes and yells “Oh, no! Not again!”. Okay, so Veronica did realize what was happening; she was just in extreme denial about it.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-101-Dilton-ArchieDilton needlessly exposits about what they (and we) are about to see.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-102-Veronica-growsSo Veronica grows bigger and grabs the tent to cover herself, so her friends won’t get to see her giant boobs and pussy for too long, despite the fact that her swimsuits are clearly shown to grow along with her. Yeah, I know the latter is an error and makes no sense according to the highly selective science that Dilton spewed earlier.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-103-Betty-pissedWhat the fuck, Betty? Your supposed best friend is clearly in distress and having no control over her growth spurts, and you’re pissed at her for…what, exactly? Seriously, that judgmental look just screams “Oh, that exhibitionist! Anything to get the guys’ attention!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-104-Dilton-Archie-lesbianAnd the attention of one girl. Hello, I think we just found Archie’s real first gay character (sorry, Kevin). Granted, she’s a background extra, but this had to have been deliberate. Someone ought to write a fanfic about this girl-loving, hat-wearing, A-cup beauty.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-105-giant-VeronicaVeronica asks why this is happening to her.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-106-Veronica-angryThen she gets pissed at her guests for staring. She claims to be the same as always.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-107-Veronica-Dilton-ArchieArchie points out that she’s changed and is different.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-108-Veronica-ArchieI’m not different! You’re different!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-109-Veronica-crowd“You all are!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-110-Veronica-yells-at-ArchieThen Veronica screams at her boyfriend, possibly damaging his hearing.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-111-Veronica-squeezes-ArchieThen she squeezes him in her fist, possibly damaging the rest of him.

She yells “You’re puny and weak! And I don’t date weaklings!”

Then Archie disappears from her fist, and she makes a throwing motion. Seriously, I did a frame-by-frame advance, and she throws nothing. Anyway, we’re supposed to believe Veronica throws Archie several yards into a tree.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-112-Archie-treeSomehow, she doesn’t kill him – nor break any of his bones for that matter.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-113-Veronica-guestsVeronica yells at her guests for running away.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-114-Veronica-jumpsAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-115-Veronica-jumps-2AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-116-Veronica-streetAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-117-Veronica-crushes-carVeronica then goes, ahem, ape-shit and crushes a car, which may or may not have people in it.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-118-Veronica-chimney“Take that, you stupid chimney!”

So Veronica keeps stomping around the (strangely deserted) town (and it’s now suddenly sunset, despite it clearly being day just a short while ago), causing relatively minor damage.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-119-ArchieArchie, who happens to have climbed down from the tree and followed Veronica here (somehow), watches her causing relatively minor damage, aghast.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-120-Dilton-ArchieOh, Dilton’s here, too. How did these two reunite so quickly?

Archie asks when Veronica will return to normal, but Dilton thinks she’ll just keep growing bigger.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-121-Archie-pulls-DiltonArchie doesn’t accept that, so he manhandles Dilton (again) and drags him back to the lab.

So Veronica keeps stomping through town. Not much of interest happens. Um, we learn green and blue cars are very popular in Riverdale.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-122-Veronica-Fresco'sVeronica comes across Fresco’s Fashions, which, it turns out, has a store in Riverdale. She decides to “get even with those hacks”.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-123-Veronica-clothesVeronica decides to destroy all fashions, because she can no longer wear them.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-124-Veronica-criesVeronica is then brought to tears over the “lovely fabric” and (nonexistent) little belt on a dress.

Jughead just happens to walk by (for no apparent reason), holding an umbrella (for no apparent reason), and walks right up to Veronica before looking up and being surprised. Um…

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-125-Jughead-umbrellaJughead mentions Gene Kelly and references Singin’ in the Rain. He asks “Girlzilla” how things are in Tokyo. *rolls eyes*

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-126-Veronica-cries-2Veronica completely breaks down. She sits (not caring if she squashes Jughead) and continues sobbing. She compares how she’s feeling to the monster in the movie, except the monster was on a murderous rampage. Well, Veronica was, too, but at least Veronica now feels sad, whereas there’s no indication that the monster did.

Anyway, after Veronica mentions her involuntary isolation, Jughead points out that he’s here. Intrigued, Veronica asks why. Jughead says he was out for his “evening think”. That’s when he walks around town by himself and wastes his brainpower contemplating the semantics of common, everyday phrases.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-127-VeronicaEven Ronnie seems to think it’s fucking stupid.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-128-Jughead-VeronicaShe pretends to be interested but then…

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-129-Jughead-Veronica-2Hahaha!

Anyway, Jughead offers her half of his candy bar, which he takes, already unwrapped, out of his pocket. And Veronica eats it. Ew!

There’s also a continuity error, because she’s suddenly sitting up straight again.

Anyway, using the same method that she had used with Archie earlier at Pop’s to point out Jughead’s flaws, he lists the ways in which she’s now different, calls her an oddball, and says that’s not good for him (by the way, he claims this was the subject of tonight’s evening think, although I have no clue when he could have learned of Veronica’s predicament). Veronica cries again, just now realizing she’s different. Jughead tells her to chill the fuck out and says they’ll figure out a solution.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-130-Veronica-tearsVeronica breathes a sigh of relief, even though her problem is nowhere close to being solved.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-131-RHSAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-132-Archie-DiltonBack in the high school physics lab (seriously, did Weatherbee give Dilton a key to let himself in whenever he feels like it?), Archie puts the pressure on to save Veronica.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-133-Dilton-rayDilton starts talking about the impossibility of this, but then Veronica arrives. Fearing certain death, Dilton tries to leave, but Archie forces him to stay.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-134-Jughead-as-LeoOutside, Jughead channels his inner Leo.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-135-Archie-Jughead-DiltonJughead explains Veronica realized it was the ray that caused this (took her long enough). They hear police sirens in the distance.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-136-tankAnd that’s not all. Okay, let’s look at this closely. The Riverdale Police contacted the U.S. National Guard and got them to send a motherfucking tank to Riverdale (on extremely short notice) to, potentially, shoot the daughter of the richest man in town. Just so we’re clear.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-137-policeArguing ensues, and then…

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-138-Jughead-shoves-ray“Fuck this motherfucking bullshit, yo!”

Remembering the cake in the oven, Jughead suggests a blast of cold air, and Dilton, for whatever reason, thinks it’s brilliant.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-139-Archie-VeronicaAmidst the arguing, Archie asks Veronica if she’s okay. She says yeah and apologizes for throwing him. Veronica’s praises Jughead’s differentness when it comes to figuring out the solution.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-140-Veronica-kisses-JugheadShe also “thanks” him…

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-141-Jughead-lipstick…a little sloppily.

They hear the police sirens again, and Veronica tells Dilton to hurry.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-142-Dilton-shrinking-ray“Prepare to de-enlarge!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-143-Veronica-impatient“Fucking shoot me already!”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-144-Dilton-shootsAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-145-Veronica-hitVeronica despairs, because the ray doesn’t immediately work. Archie tells her to have faith in Dilton’s inventions.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-146-Veronica-happySee? Just took a while.

For some reason, the guys are momentarily confused by this. Oh, and Veronica claims to be a size 7.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-147-copAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-148-soldier-tankAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-149-Dilton-rayAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-150-Dilton-hides-rayHaha, yeah, better hide any guns when you’re around the cops or the military. Don’t wanna get shot.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-151-cop-VeronicaAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-152-copAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-153-cop-2A cop runs over and questions the obviously naked teenage girl that’s hanging out on school grounds at night.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-154-Veronica-pointsVeronica’s like “I think she went that-a-way.”

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-155-Veronica-covers-herselfHehehe.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-156-cop-staresAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-157-cop-runsAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-158-Veronica-exhalesThat’s good enough for the cop, who leaves the naked teenage girl alone with the three guys. Um, dude, for all that you know, she might have just been gang-raped and was trying to escape. Also, she looks exactly like the giant that you were just driving after, and she was surrounded by the “clothing” that said giant was wearing. Riverdale’s finest, everyone.

Veronica thanks Jughead (but not Dilton) and invites him to her pool party next week. Does Veronica have weekly pool parties, or is she just trying to make up for this one? Regardless, she has a lot of friendships to mend. Because, y’know, she terrorized most of her friends. And the entire town.

Anyway, Jughead accepts on the condition that Veronica doesn’t eat all of the burgers. She agrees.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-159-Dilton-Archie-laughAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-160-Jughead-rides-beetleAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-161-Jughead-beetleDilton returns the giant beetle to normal size. Wait, I thought animal control had picked it up. Were they keeping it on some pasture or something?

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-162-Archie-laptopAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-163-Jughead-burgersAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-164-Archie-laptop-2Today’s column-writing scene is a bit different. It occurs in the daytime, and Archie’s typing it up at Pop’s.

Jughead asks Archie if he thinks Dilton’s ray could make a 50-foot hamburger. Oh, you mean the ray that you knocked off the table, dumbass?

Archie wonders if Veronica will think twice before poking fun at someone who’s different but then guesses probably not.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-165-Veronica-as-JugheadThen Veronica shows up dressed like Jughead, I guess as a sign of her appreciation.

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-166-Archie-JugheadAWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-167-Pop'sSo big problems are little. Life goes on…

AWM-05-Attack-of-the-50-Foot-Veronica-168-Riverdale…in a little town called Riverdale.

This was a pretty good episode. Veronica episodes seem to be my favorite. However, I need to point out that this is the second episode in a row in which characters are too stupid for words.

General Weirdness: 3
Dilton’s Inventions: 2

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Archie’s Weird Mysteries, Episode 04 – Invisible Archie

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-01-Riverdale-ReporterWriter: Brian Swenlin
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 23, 1999
Length: 22:18

Note: This episode is placed fifth on the DVD.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-02-titleAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-03-football-fieldAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-04-Archie-Reggie-stretchAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-05-Veronica-Betty-runThe episode opens during gym glass.

Archie and Reggie smile, wave, and greet Veronica and Betty as they run by.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-06-Veronica-Betty-flirtThe girls flirtily say hi to them.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-07-Archie-ReggieArchie and Reggie argue over who the girls are interested in.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-08-Reggie-smilesReggie shows off one of his “magnificent Mantle smiles”.

He tries it on the girls. They laugh. When Veronica talks, her voice sounds off. It honestly sounds more like Betty.

Convinced of his success, Reggie elbows Archie in the chest. Ass.

Archie decides to give the girls “a healthy dose of Triple A” (Archie Andrews Action).

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-09-Archie-pole-vaultsDude, don’t.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-10-Archie-matLet Katy and Sabrina show you how it’s done.

Reggie is unusually surprised at this.

Reggie asks if Archie would have pole-vaulted if no one had been watching him. Archie says sure and adds “The important thing is to do your best, especially when no one’s around to see you do it.” Reggie says “When no one’s watching is when you can get away with all sorts of things.” Archie says Reggie’s “warped”. Reggie lets Archie know the girls weren’t even looking at him.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-11-girls-RobbieIt turns out that Veronica and Betty are gaga over Robbie Dobkins, the Riverdale “super jock” that edged Reggie off the track team.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-12-Robbie-lifts-girlsShow-off.

Somewhat impressed, Archie says Robbie’s put on some muscle since last year. Robbie says hi to Reggie and apologizes for taking his place on the team. Reggie’s clearly irritated but pretends it’s no big deal. Archie brings up Robbie’s muscles. The girls compliment him in the flirtiest way possible. Robbie says he’s been working out. Betty exposits Robbie’s going to be in the track meet today after school. Robbie decides to practice his pole vaulting. The girls are incredibly turned on by that and decide to watch him. Archie’s jealous. Reggie comments on how guys like Dobkins make “suckers” like them “invisible” to girls.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-13-RHSAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-14-FlutesnootAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-15-classLater, in Chemistry class, an unusually angry Professor Flutesnoot has the class choose lab partners for tomorrow’s assignment.

Seriously, why does he look so pissed?

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-16-Reggie-girlsReggie offers himself to the girls. They pass on him…

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-17-Archie-girls…and Archie…

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-18-girls-Robbie…and go for the “super jock”. Betty claims she’s “really good at Chemistry”. Veronica admits she isn’t but promises expensive tutors, courtesy of “Daddy”.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-19-Archie-touches-VeronicaAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-20-Veronica-shockedArchie invades Veronica’s personal space, shocking her. Veronica cozies up to “Robbiekins” (ugh).

Reggie says “We’re just a couple of invisible guys.” Archie asks how they’re supposed to compete with muscles like that. Suddenly, there’s an explosion.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-21-Archie-DiltonHuh, that’s a twist. Usually, it’s Archie causing the lab explosions.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-22-Archie-Dilton-cleanIn a funny bit, Archie has to wipe shit off Dilton’s goggles, because he can’t see anything (and apparently can’t recognize Archie by the sound of his voice).

Dilton says “Oh” before his lips start moving. He explains he already finished this week’s assignment last week. He’s running his own experiment using the school’s resources now, which he claims is one benefit of getting ahead in class. Wow, that’s pretty generous.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-23-Reggie-reptileAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-24-reptile-formulaAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-25-reptile-enhancedDilton’s current experiment is a physique-enhancing formula. One external application does it.

Reggie and Archie are impressed. Dilton says it lasts only a few hours, and then the reptile returns to normal, “experiencing temporary feelings of inadequacy”.

Archie inadvertently gives Reggie an idea, and Reggie’s so inspired that his lips keep moving after he’s done talking. That’s followed by a shot that lasts less than a half-second.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-26-Reggie-DiltonAnyway, Reggie wants to buy a shot of the “muscle juice”. Dilton, however, is principled, saying it’s not for sale, and he’s never tried it on a human test subject before. Reggie volunteers. Dilton says it’s extremely unstable.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-27-Reggie-Dilton-2Reggie is willing to take the chance and gets in Dilton’s face about it.

Dilton pushes Reggie away from him and tells him to forget it. He closes the fridge.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-28-Archie-Reggie-DiltonArchie tells Reggie – in a *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* kind of way – that he was “just kidding around”. Reggie goes along with it. Dilton looks completely unconvinced.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-29-bellAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-30-girls-RobbieAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-31-Reggie-Dilton-ArchieAfter class lets out, Reggie seems to not be looking forward to his last class of the day: History with Grundy. Dilton abruptly stops and randomly says he’ll have to check with Professor Flutesnoot. Was a line cut or something? Archie thought “old Flutesnoot” didn’t teach in the lab this period. Dilton says he doesn’t, but, as soon as he turns in this assignment, he’s got permission to come back and work on his formula. Wait, I thought Dilton already finished this week’s assignment last week. Why’s he only now turning it in? Was it so Professor Flutesnoot wouldn’t lose it? Also, why does Dilton have permission to come back after Chemistry class to work on his formula? What about his last class of the day?

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-32-Reggie-steals-formulaAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-33-Reggie-steals-formula-2Who didn’t see this coming?

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-34-Reggie-Archie-argueArchie, having forgotten his backpack, catches Reggie and gets judgmental. They argue about it and grab the flask from each other. Guess where this is going.

Well, it doesn’t go exactly as you think. Reggie tries to pour some on himself, except you don’t really see it happen (it’s a POV shot from the top of Reggie’s head, I think), and Archie tries to stop him, so it goes on Reggie’s shirt; then Archie gets some on his shirt and jacket…

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-35-Archie-formula…and then stupidly wipes it with his hand.

Reggie apologizes, although he doesn’t sound sorry.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-36-Reggie-ArchieNothing seems to happen, disappointing Reggie. Reggie claims to have learned his lesson and puts what’s left of the formula back in the fridge. They’re gonna pretend this never happened, but Archie will tell the truth if asked by Dilton.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-37-Archie-restroom-doorArchie hurries on his way to his next class but then feels kind of funny and heads into the restroom.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-38-Archie-restroom-mirrorHe figures he’s gotten paranoid. He splashes some water on himself and…

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-39-Archie-disappearingWell, shit.

He soon becomes entirely invisible.

So, for those of you trying to keep track, this episode’s plot revolves around a performance-enhancing formula that, when haphazardly applied to clothes and combined with a splash of water on the face, renders the subject invisible. (Oddly enough, Archie’s left hand, the only area to be exposed to both the formula and water, is one of the last to disappear.) Got that? Okay, moving on. It’s worth noting this is the first episode of the series where the problem is caused by one of Dilton’s inventions, not the general “weirdness” that the town has become a magnet for. In fact, I’m going to start keeping a tally at the end of each review to see which is the source of more conflicts in this series, the general weirdness or Dilton’s inventions.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-40-Reggie-disappearingAs Reggie disappears, he feels “kind of light-headed”. Why is Reggie disappearing? Is the water a catalyst or not?

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-41-girlOkay, Reggie’s gone completely invisible, so let me take this opportunity to say I’m particularly fond of this nameless extra.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-42-VeronicaSomehow being completely unaware that he’s invisible, Reggie warms up the “magnificent Mantle smile” for Veronica. He’s surprised when she ignores him.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-43-MooseReggie wants to give Moose a high five. Moose is momentarily confused but then shrugs and moves on. Reggie thinks it’s “weird”.

The bell rings, and Reggie heads to class.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-44-handleDo schools use handles instead of knobs now? Did they in 1999? I graduated in 1996, and I don’t remember if we used knobs or handles. I believe we used handles in college.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-45-Dilton-formulaMeanwhile, Dilton checks on his formula and notices something’s up. It’s less than the 80 milliliters that he’d filled it to, and it’s “too soon for evaporation to take effect”. What the hell’s the boiling point of this formula?

Archie comes in and calls for Dilton, who’s startled and drops the flask (but catches it). Dilton is confused, so Archie says he’s invisible.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-46-Archie-DiltonDilton thinks it’s a gag, so Archie proves it. Dilton asks how it happened, and Archie explains. Dilton admonishes him. Archie says it was an accident. Dilton is intrigued and asks if Reggie’s with him. Archie guesses Reggie’s still in Grundy’s History class.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-47-GrundyThat clock is nowhere close to the correct time.

Ms. Grundy wants the class to pass up their homework while she takes attendance.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-48-homeworkHow does Reggie not fucking notice he’s fucking invisible?! And why is his homework unaffected?

Reggie’s pissed at being skipped over, so he gets the attention of the girl in front of him.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-49-Reggie-unnoticedShe’s probably high as fuck. That’s the only explanation for her non-reaction.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-50-attendanceReggie’s surprised that Ms. Grundy thinks he’s absent. She doesn’t hear him when he asks “Huh?” Then again, she’s not using an actual attendance log to take attendance, so maybe she’s got a few issues of her own.

It’s only now that Reggie realizes he’s invisible. The class laughs. Ms. Grundy thinks she’s being pranked, but she doesn’t know by who, despite clearly hearing Reggie’s voice. She gets on with class.

Reggie wonders what he’s going to do. He decides to do whatever he wants.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-51-Dilton.jpgBack in the lab, there’s a cute gag where Dilton’s addressing Archie while facing in the wrong direction.

They discuss the problem. By Dilton’s calculations, Archie is “going to completely fade from existence within a few hours”. Archie freaks out, but Dilton is all scientific about it until he finally realizes, yes, this actually is a serious situation. That’s pretty funny.

Dilton gets to work on an antidote. He tells Archie to find Reggie and bring him back here as soon as possible. Archie asks how.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-52-Dilton-PPEAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-53-Archie-PPESo…did Archie get naked or just put all of that stuff on top of his regular clothes?

Dilton makes a joke about Archie’s appearance and then sends him on his way.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-54-Grundy-mapAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-55-class-amusedBack in History class, Reggie’s pranking Ms. Grundy – to the amusement of the class.

Oh, and that damn clock still isn’t right.

And what’s with the diagrams on the walls? Is this a multi-subject classroom or something?

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-56-Grundy-pissedAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-57-Grundy-tears-mapYeah, that’ll show him. Great job, Grundy.

Just kidding. The class keeps laughing, further pissing her off.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-58-Archie-doorArchie arrives just as Reggie’s leaving. Wait. Was one of Reggie’s pranks replacing the door’s handle with a knob?

Reggie fucks around and tries to scare Archie. They argue for a bit. Reggie refuses to get visible until he’s “had some fun with Dobkins and the girls”. He leaves. Archie tries to go after him but…

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-59-Weatherbee-ArchieAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-60-WeatherbeeFade out. Fade in.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-61-Weatherbee-ArchieMr. Weatherbee wants Archie to take off that “ridiculous get-up”. Archie bullshits about having a “skin condition”, which makes him “very sensitive to light”. There actually is such a thing, but Weatherbee doesn’t question it further. Instead, he wants to see a hall pass, which Archie doesn’t have.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-62-Weatherbee-Archie-2Weatherbee takes great delight in taking Archie back to his office for detention. Archie tries to get out of it – to no avail.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-63-doorReggie walks outside and realizes he has time for some fun before the track meet.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-64-Robbie-fountainHe spots Robbie, out of class early for track practice.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-65-Robbie-wetReggie changes the direction of the spigot on the water fountain (hmmm, can you really do that?), getting Robbie wet. After Robbie leaves, Reggie points the spigot back in the proper direction.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-66-RHSAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-67-Betty-Veronica-cheerAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-68-Robbie-praisedAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-69-Betty-Veronica-cheer-2Later, at the track meet, Betty and Veronica cheer for “Riverdale Robbie”.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-70-Reggie-ties-sneakersReggie goes for a classic prank.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-71-Robbie-snaps-lacesBut his expectations are subverted!

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-72-Weatherbee-Archie-officeMeanwhile, Mr. Weatherbee has been back-in-my-daying at Archie. Archie asks to leave. Weatherbee takes a phone call. It’s a Mrs. Hudsucker. While Weatherbee’s got his back turned, Archie strips (though he is neither seen nor heard leaving the office). When Weatherbee gets off the phone, he’s very confused.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-73-Dilton-antidoteDilton’s finished the antidote just as Archie arrives. Archie again calls for him, again making him drop the flask. He catches it, though, and tells Archie to cut that shit out. Archie apologizes. Dilton invites him to try the antidote.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-74-Archie-DiltonSuccess! Archie used everything that’s in the flask on himself, though.

Dilton asks about Reggie. Archie remembers and guesses where he is.

Dilton’s confused, and then he does this weird thing where he looks at the empty flask, smiles, and nods, like he’s so fucking proud of himself. He follows Archie.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-75-Archie-DiltonAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-76-Dilton-ArchieArchie and Dilton arrive at the track meet. Dilton says time’s running out for Reggie and doesn’t think they’ll find him.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-77-Archie-ideaArchie gets an idea – and a seriously fucking creepy look on his face.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-78-sprinkler-systemAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-79-wrenchAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-80-Archie-DiltonDilton is impressed.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-81-pouring-antidoteWhew! It’s a good thing that Dilton had more of that antidote, which he must have pulled out of his ass, because he was holding an empty flask when he followed Archie out of the lab.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-82-Archie-Dilton-2AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-83-field-soakedAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-84-girls-soakedAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-85-Robbie-soakedAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-86-Reggie-reappearsSuccess!

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-87-Reggie-sneaks.jpgBecause Reggie’s a fucking dumbass in this episode, he doesn’t realize he’s visible again, so he sneaks over to Robbie and…

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-88-Robbie-ReggieAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-89-Betty-Veronica-1AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-90-Betty-Veronica-2AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-91-Archie-DiltonAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-92-Robbie-pissedAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-93-Robbie-ReggieAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-94-Betty-Veronica-3Betty and Veronica seek to avoid witnessing as much of the carnage as possible.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-95-Dilton-Archie-celebrateDilton and Archie celebrate.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-96-Weatherbee-DiltonAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-97-Archie“Oh, hiiiiii!”

The scene fades directly to the scene where Archie’s typing up his column instead of doing a fade out and fade in as usual.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-98-Andrews-houseAs usual, there’s no sign of Archie’s car in the garage – nor his parents’ car(s), for that matter. Also, if Archie’s parents went out, couldn’t they have stopped by the post office instead of leaving mail in their box for the mail carrier to pick up the next day?

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-99-bedroom-windowAWM-04-Invisible-Archie-100-Archie-window“Poor Reggie” thinks he was the victim of their practical joke. Why didn’t Archie and Dilton explain they were saving his life? Also, Reggie got “clobbered” in the process, but that was his own fault.

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-101-Riverdale-1Archie hopes, the next time that Reggie’s invisible, he won’t use it as an excuse to cause trouble…

AWM-04-Invisible-Archie-102-Riverdale-2…in a little town called Riverdale.

This was a pretty good episode. But let’s talk invisibility. If Reggie’s retinas were invisible, he’d been blind. That aside, he’d have to deal with constantly seeing things, since his eyelids were invisible.

Regarding time placement for this episode, outside California, outside high school track season lasts from March through June.

General Weirdness: 3
Dilton’s Inventions: 1

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Archie’s Weird Mysteries, Episode 33 – Halloween of Horror

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-01-Riverdale-ReporterWriter: Brian Swenlin
Original Air Date: Friday, February 11, 2000
Length: 22:17

This episode’s “Riverdale Reporter” segment actually includes a line from Archie, not spoken in the episode proper. That’s unusual.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-02-titleAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-03-mansionThe episode opens at the abandoned mansion.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-04-Scarlet-MedlockScarlet feels sorry for Medlock and wishes she could help restore him.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-05-Scarlet-youngAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-06-Scarlet-oldAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-07-Scarlet-Medlock-2He drains her life force, stealing her youth. Um, so why didn’t he do that earlier?

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-08-MedlockHe declares he will claim his “destiny as ruler over the Eternal Night of the Vampires”. Then he laughs evilly. Typical villain shit.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-09-Lodge-gateAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-10-Lodge-mansionAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-11-doorbellAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-12-Archie-JugheadAt Lodge Manor, Archie and Jughead arrive for Veronica’s Halloween party. Also, the moon went back up to full.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-13-SmithersI’m surprised that Smithers got into costume. Mr. Lodge must have forced him.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-14-decorationsWe learn this is an annual Halloween bash.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-15-bash-1AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-16-bash-2AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-17-bash-3Jughead goes to eat. Betty calls to Archie.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-18-Betty-hidesShe hides her face from him momentarily, I guess to…surprise him?

Oh, and she wore her cheerleading outfit to the Halloween party. Laziest costume ever!

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-19-Betty-confusedShe’s confused over what he’s supposed to be.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-20-Archie-firesHe’s a “cyber-warrior”.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-21-Betty-rubs-ArchieThen she rubs his face with a pom-pom. Bitch, cut that out; it’s rude.

She asks if he likes her costume: captain of the cheerleading squad. When he points out that that’s what she actually is, she excuses her laziness by saying she was going for realism.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-22-Reggie-JugheadReggie comes by and tries to scare Jughead, who’s unfazed. By the way, the mountain of cheeseburgers is a nice touch; it shows the Lodges were prepared for Jughead.

Anyway, Reggie’s disappointed, and Jughead points out that this is Reggie’s costume every year.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-23-Reggie-DiltonDilton sees through it, too.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-24-EthelOh, look, a silent cameo by Ethel. I wonder who she’s with.

Archie wonders where Veronica is. Betty says she’s playing a gypsy fortune teller. They go into the tent to check her out, but she’s not there. Betty guesses she’s on her break.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-25-Archie-Betty-ScarletThen Scarlet comes in. Archie and Betty think she’s Veronica. Scarlet talks about the Eternal Night of the Vampires being upon them.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-26-Archie-Veronica-BettyAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-27-Veronica-crossAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-28-VeronicaThen Veronica comes in. Archie and Betty are confused. Veronica compliments Scarlet’s costume. Scarlet finally reveals her identity, surprising the others. Veronica asks what happened, insulting her at the same time. Scarlet explains the sitch.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-29-gang-ScarletBetty tries to comfort her. Archie only now realizes the implications of Medlock stealing Scarlet’s life force. He’s not very bright, is he? Anyway, he wants to stop Medlock. Scarlet says it’s impossible. Veronica’s like “I’m the motherfucking Ender.” There’s a flashback to Medlock’s defeat at the end of the last episode.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-30-Scarlet-Veronica“Um, the Sun Stone was destroyed, you shithead. This cross is about as useful as the trinkets that you get out of the clucking hen machines at Wal-Mart.”

Betty’s confused, because the prophecy said the amulet could end the Eternal Night. Scarlet says unless Medlock befriends the chosen one. Okay, he kinda did that in the last episode, I guess, but this still isn’t making any sense.

Anyway, Veronica guesses Medlock is gonna crash her party to make her his “friend”. Archie says vampires can’t enter a home unless invited.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-31-Betty-Veronica-Archie-dohThey find out that Smithers invited Scarlet in.

Fade out – but not all of the way.

Fade in.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-32-Reggie-bumperOh, look, it’s the tail-end of Reggie’s commercial bumper. Great job. It’s like “Hey, here’s a tease of what you’re missing out on, motherfuckers!”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-33-Lodge-mansionAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-34-Smithers-MedlockAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-35-MedlockAnyway, Medlock shows up, and Smithers praises his “most impressive costume” and just lets him in. A little sound effect lets us know Medlock entered the mansion. What was that? The uninvited barrier going down?

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-36-guestsWhile Scarlet instructs the gang inside the tent, we see these two random, nameless guests.

Anyway, Scarlet tells Betty and Archie to protect Veronica from Medlock, because she’s the chosen one, and they react like this:

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-37-Scarlet-gangAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-38-Veronica-shockedUm, this is not exactly a surprising revelation. It’s been the main crux of the past two episodes.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-39-Reggie-MedlockReggie tries to scare Medlock but momentarily gets frightened himself. They make small talk about the “costume”. Reggie takes off the werewolf head and introduces himself. So does Medlock, and then…

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-40-Reggie-Medlock-2AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-41-Medlock-fangsOh, shit.

Fade out. Fade in. No commercial break, though, because the music is continuous.

Betty says they have to warn the other guests about Medlock. Scarlet tells them to save themselves. Archie says real friends stick by their friends. He tells the girls to come on.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-42-VeronicaAs Veronica follows him, she motions with her hand. I’m not sure if she’s indicating for Betty to follow her or just thinking “Oh, whatever.”

As they leave, Scarlet cries out that friends are worthless, and they must protect the chosen one.

Betty spots Medlock hanging out with some random dude.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-43-Veronica-ReggieAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-44-Veronica-Reggie-2Reggie comes by and tries to attack Veronica. She dismisses it as his usual bullshit and says he’s got to protect her from the vampires.

Medlock floats toward them.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-45-Veronica-unmasks-ReggieAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-46-Veronica-shockedAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-47-Archie-Veronica-Betty-shocked“Oh, you’re fucking kidding me!”

Medlock arrives. Reggie moves in to bite Veronica. Archie hands her a jack-o’-lantern, and…

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-48-Veronica-jacks-ReggieAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-49-Reggie-jackedAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-50-Reggie-MedlockSeriously? Medlock’s knocked over by someone walking into him? What kind of Dark Master is he?

Archie grabs hold of Betty, Betty grabs hold of Veronica, and the three of them run a short distance.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-51-Archie-warnsArchie gets on a coffee table and warns the guests.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-52-Moose-MidgeReally, that’s the reaction that he should have expected. Oh, look, cameos by Moose and Midge.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-53-Veronica-Archie“Motherfucker, move over; I’ll handle this.”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-54-Veronica-happy“I’m attractive and awesome.”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-55-Moose-Midge-2“Yay!”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-56-Veronica-grinsAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-57-Veronica-thanks“I totally deserve that. Thanks.”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-58-Betty-Veronica-Archie“Get to the fucking point, bitch!”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-59-Betty-Veronica-Archie-2“Oops, sorry, my bad.”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-60-Betty-Veronica-Archie-3“Everybody get the fuck out right fucking now!”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-61-Betty-Veronica-Archie-4“That was Oscar-worthy, right?”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-62-Veronica-shocked“Oh, shit.”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-63-Reggie-Medlock-floatAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-64-EthelThe guests run away, leaving Archie, Betty, and Veronica against Medlock and Reggie.

Our heroes scramble for ideas for a bit, and Archie finally suggests garlic.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-65-Betty-Veronica“Kitchen!”

Scarlet finally comes out of the tent. It turns out that Jughead’s still here, too.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-66-Medlock-Scarlet“Relax, bitch, you ain’t worth the trouble.”

Archie and Betty come into the kitchen. Archie asks about garlic powder.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-67-Archie-Betty“Spice rack!”

Veronica comes into the kitchen and finds Smithers (somehow unnoticed by Archie and Betty). She begs him to help them get out of here.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-68-SmithersWell, shit.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-69-Veronica“Stay the fuck away from me!”

Betty and Archie drop the spices that they were holding. Then Archie finds the garlic and…

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-70-garlic-pouredAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-71-Archie-girlsAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-72-Archie-fires…y’know, that’s actually pretty clever.

Anyway, the garlic makes Smithers itch, and he flies away.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-73-Veronica-BettyVeronica is upset about Smithers, and Betty tries to comfort her, saying it’s not her fault. Veronica’s just concerned about who’s gonna clean up the mess; it won’t be her. Disgusted, Betty and Archie walk off, much to Veronica’s confusion.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-74-Jughead-ArchieThe three of them check the dining room. Archie looks pissed when Jughead runs into him. Um, just be grateful that your friend’s still alive, asshole.

Jughead warns Archie about the vampires and runs off. Then Archie comes face to face with Reggie and…just stands there until…

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-75-Reggie-ArchieThat’s what happens, man.

Archie actually gasps after this happens, like it’s some profound revelation that the bad guy will snatch your gun from you if you don’t shoot.

The door closes.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-76-Jughead-girlsYeah, Jughead accidentally left his friend in a room with a vampire. These things happen.

Betty opens the door to check things out.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-77-Betty-shockedReggie grabs Betty and pulls her into the dining room. The door closes. Why does the door close on its own?

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-78-Jughead-Veronica-scaredAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-79-Reggie-BettyBetty tells the “snaggle-toothed traitor” to let her go. Um, it’s not Reggie’s fault that he’s a vampire.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-80-Betty-eyeroll“Dumbass.”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-81-Betty-elbows-ReggieAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-82-Betty-throws-ReggieHoly shit, Betty’s strong!

Betty calls out to Archie. Archie calls back for her to run and get help. Betty runs into the tent, vowing to not leave without him.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-83-Betty-Archie-Smithers-MedlockAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-84-Reggie-BettyAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-85-Reggie-Medlock-BettyAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-86-Medlock-BettyWell, shit.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-87-Veronica-Jughead-hideLater, Veronica and Jughead hide from the vampires. Medlock wants to use Archie as bait for Veronica.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-88-Jughead-VeronicaVeronica tries to go out to him, but Jughead stops her.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-89-vampires-Archie-flyThe vampires take Archie back to the abandoned mansion.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-90-Jughead-VeronicaLater, Veronica and Jughead come out of hiding. Veronica regrets not doing anything, but Jughead basically says they couldn’t do anything. Scarlet continues to be negative about the whole thing, which makes Veronica gasp. What is it with characters being surprised by mundane stuff?

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-91-Scarlet-JugheadJughead doesn’t wanna give up (friends should stick by their friends) but wants a plan first.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-92-Scarlet-Jughead-VeronicaSuddenly, they’re surprised by a noise and movement under a nearby table.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-93-Lodge-mansionAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-94-Scarlet-Jughead-VeronicaAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-95-Dilton-tableAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-96-Dilton-garlicOh, it’s just Dilton. Why didn’t he run out with the other guests?

Veronica asks Scarlet where Medlock took her friends. Scarlet is still all doom and gloom.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-97-Scarlet-Dilton“Bitch, we have to try…for science!”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-98-Scarlet-VeronicaVeronica speechifies and tries to make Scarlet feel useful. Scarlet’s still a Negative Nancy but agrees to help.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-99-gang-mansionLater, they arrive at the mansion (in a pretty cool panning shot).

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-100-gang-gunsThey bust in, locked and loaded. So, um, where’d they pick up the extra Super Soakers? Did they stop by Wal-Mart on their way to the abandoned mansion? I can totally imagine Veronica refusing to go in just out of principle, opting to wait in her car.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-101-Scarlet-DiltonIs this the inspiration for Riverdale’s version of Dilton Doiley?

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-102-ArchieIt’s a trap. Don’t fall for it.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-103-Archie-2Told ya.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-104-Veronica-shockedY’know, the clearly pale skin should have been a dead (undead?) giveaway.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-105-Dilton-Jughead-VeronicaAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-106-vampiresSon of a cock, the vampires were hiding…on the ceiling.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-107-Betty-itchesJughead fires at Betty and successfully makes her itch.

But then he hesitates when Reggie approaches.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-108-Reggie-takes-gunThat’s what happens, man.

Anyway, Medlock gets to Jughead, and Reggie gets to Dilton.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-109-Veronica-gunOnly Veronica remains. She alone can save the world.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-110-vampires-1AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-111-vampires-2AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-112-Vamperonica-1Well, shit.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-113-Vamperonica-2She introduces herself as “Vampronica”, although I’ve always has the feeling that the proper name should be “Vamperonica”.

Anyway, she takes off the cross and throws it away.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-114-Medlock-celebratesMedlock feels triumphant.

I want to make an observation here. Medlock seems far more serious and scarier in this episode than in the previous one. His humor is almost completely absent. I’m not saying it’s unwelcome, but it does feel off compared to his previous portrayal.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-115-Medlock-celebrates-2AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-116-sunriseAnyway, Medlock speechifies about eternal darkness, and then the sun rises. Ha.

He goes and shuts the doors, confused.

Scarlet reveals they were “mistaken”; Veronica Lodge was never the Ender to begin with. *sigh* I’ll give my feelings about this later. Let’s just wrap this up.

Scarlet speechifies, and then…

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-117-cross“Cross of silver,…”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-118-Medlock“…ray of light,…”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-119-Scarlet-window“…in Ender’s hand shall end the night.”

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-120-Medlock-2AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-121-vampiresAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-122-Medlock-crumblesEveryone turns back to normal and witnesses Medlock’s destruction.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-123-Veronica-ScarletScarlet explains the part of the prophecy that Veronica had read in the first part. You can tell Veronica is utterly disappointed that she wasn’t the Ender.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-124-Veronica-happyOr not.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-125-Veronica-Scarlet-hugVeronica and Scarlet talk for a bit and then hug.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-126-gang-happyAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-127-ScarletAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-128-Scarlet-ascendsAWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-129-gangScarlet regains her humanity and ascends to the afterlife.

Fade out. Fade in. No commercial break, though.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-130-Andrews-houseClose the garage door, damn it!

As Archie continues to narrate his column, he informs us that Veronica’s parents flipped their shit over the mess in the mansion once they got home from their charity gala.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-131-Archie-windowHe wonders if they’ll ever let Veronica have another Halloween party.

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-132-Archie-typesBut he figures no party could ever live up to this one, when the real vampires came trick-or-treating…

AWM-33-Halloween-of-Horror-133-Riverdale…in a little town called Riverdale.

So…I have mixed feelings about this episode. It’s generally creepier than the previous two, which is fine, but…

Okay, I’ll be blunt: the resolution sucks. Yeah, I know they set it up in part 1 with that prophecy, but saying Veronica never was the Ender diminishes her contribution. She did far more than Scarlet did. Scarlet’s contribution amounted to holding a useless cross and simply exposing Medlock to sunlight, which had already been established to be his weakness in part 2. So, just to be clear, Veronica’s role in all of this was to deceive Medlock, so Scarlet could simply tear open a curtain and expose him to sunlight. How pathetic. Oh, and Scarlet held the cross just to make it seem like that incantation applied to what she was doing.

Anyway, sorry for the extreme lateness of this post. Have a happy Halloween and tune in tomorrow for a new review.

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Archie’s Weird Mysteries, Episode 32 – I Was a Teenage Vampire

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-01-Riverdale-ReporterWriter: Brian Swenlin
Original Air Date: Thursday, February 10, 2000
Length: 22:16

I’m sorry that this is so late. My job responsibilities – and thus my schedule – recently changed, and my browser has been acting up recently.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-02-titleAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-03-mansionThe episode opens with a bat and red mist arriving at an old, abandoned mansion.

By the way, as the mist is making its way through the mansion, the picture goes black for 8 frames (though the audio remains). Not sure if that’s a problem in the original episode or a DVD error of some kind.

The red mist goes down to the basement.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-04-ScarletYeah, Scarlet’s still alive. I told you that her “defeat” at the end of the last episode was different and suspicious. She announces to the other vampire that arrived at the mansion that she’s back. Okaaay. How long’s it been since she was here?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-05-Scarlet-vampireThe other vampire chastises her for being late and asks if she’d heard the Master’s call. Angry, she snatches a shovel from him and says she did.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-06-Scarlet-digsShe orders him to get digging, because it’s time to free the Master.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-07-RHSAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-08-Reggie-girlsThe next day, at school, Reggie reads the headline of Archie’s column: “Veronica Lodge Saves the World from Vampires”.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-09-Veronica-photoHehe, Archie even got Veronica to pose for a photo, holding the cross. Reggie is in disbelief.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-10-Reggie-girls-2Veronica makes a joke about Reggie not being the center of attention. Betty washes down her pot brownie with a drink. The two girls laugh.

Reggie reads from the article and asks where he was when all of this happened.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-11-Archie-Reggie“Like, you snooze, you lose, man. Smoke a joint.”

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-12-girls-laughThe girls laugh again. Seriously, I think everyone’s stoned in this scene, but it affects them differently. Anyone wanna look in Betty’s paper bag?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-13-girls-ArchieThe girls simultaneously greet Archie. He greets them. He asks Veronica why she’s not wearing her Sun Stone.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-14-girls-Archie-2“Like, total fashion don’t, totally.” Really? But a babushka scarf is a fashion do?

Also, she’s trying to put the vampire stuff behind her.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-15-girls-Reggie-strawsAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-16-girls-Reggie-straws-2AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-17-girls-Reggie-straws-3LOL!

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-18-gangReggie asks where Veronica’s “magic necklace” is. She says “Safely tucked away.” Archie and Betty make guesses as to where. Veronica says it’s in a shoe box. Reggie asks what’s so safe about that. Betty explains through metaphor, but it basically boils down to “Veronica has a shitload of shoe boxes in her giant-ass closet.”

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-19-Veronica-posesVeronica tells “Archiekins” that she picked up “the cutest pair of pumps” to wear on their date tonight. Betty shakes her head…for…some reason.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-20-Veronica-poses-2Veronica says Archie’s taking her to La-Cha-Ching for dinner and dancing, which is news to him, but she says he owes her for saving his ass and giving him the story for his latest column. Reggie advises him: “Speak now or forever hold your wallet.” For saving the world from “the unholy hordes of darkness”, Archie agrees to the date.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-21-Veronica-ArchieShe tells him to wear his best suit, and she wants his word that he won’t be late. He promises to be there at 8:00 PM sharp. Veronica means it, because Smithers is on vacation, and her parents are going to some charity banquet. Girl, you’ve got a huge mansion to yourself. Invite Archie over for a fuck session! “I did save the world. Don’t you think my pussy deserves to be licked thoroughly, and my asshole deserves to be ripped and reamed by your massive cock?”

Anyway, Veronica claims to be scared of being alone at night. Archie again promises and then gives Veronica his “super-sacred word”. He says she’ll be “as safe as a necklace in a shoe box”.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-22-mansionAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-23-coffinIt’s now twilight, and Scarlet and the other vampire have just now gotten the Master’s coffin out of the ground, which means it took the two of them nearly an entire day to dig that hole. I’m a lazy-ass motherfucker, but even I could have dug that hole in a few hours at most.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-24-MasterThe Master, Medlock, wakes up.

Scarlet and Medlock greet each other.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-25-Master-cracks-knucklesThen Medlock cracks his knuckles and his neck, which makes it really hard to take him seriously as the “Dark Master”.

Medlock seems to be aware that he’s been asleep for centuries. How the fuck does he know?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-26-Medlock-ScarletAnyway, he gives the typical vampire villain speech.

Scarlet and the other vampire also talk about how the sun will set tomorrow, on Halloween, and never rise again. But then Medlock learns Scarlet hasn’t “had the chance to convert” the Ender. The other vampire, who seems to be called Nilnuze (that’s a stupid name), asks Medlock to give him a shot, which angers Scarlet, and Medlock grants it.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-27-Andrews-houseAgain, why is one garage door left open at the Andrews house at night? It’s not safe!

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-28-Archie-dressesArchie is getting dressed for his date with Veronica.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-29-Archie-flowersHe then steals some of his mother’s flowers to give to Veronica. Ass.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-30-Archie-Mary-1Archie rushes to the front door and encounters his mom.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-31-Archie-Mary-2Mary wants to take a picture of her “handsome” son. She doesn’t notice her flowers in his hand.

Archie declines, citing his “super-sacred word”. Mary understands, excusing him from the “glamor shots”. But then Archie checks himself out in the mirror and agrees to the pictures, thinking Veronica won’t mind if he’s “just a few minutes late”.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-32-Veronica-waitingAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-33-Veronica-waiting-2AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-34-Veronica-waiting-3The clock chimes in Lodge Manor, and Veronica is getting bored. She’s also upset at Archie for breaking his word.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-35-Mary-Archie-poseAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-36-Andrews-familyAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-37-FredMore time-wasting at the Andrews house. Even Fred’s gotten in on the action.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-38-Archie-flowerAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-39-Mary-kisses-ArchieMary finally puts an end to the photos and sends Archie on his way.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-40-Jughead-moonJughead arrives at that moment. Looks like someone finally closed that damn garage door.

Archie rushes out the door and…

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-41-Archie-Jughead-cheese…gets sauced.

Archie’s worried about his suit. Jughead’s worried about his dinner. Why the fuck was Jughead just randomly coming over to Archie’s house, anyway?

Archie sniffs the mess and, disgusted, asks what it is.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-42-Jughead-breathes-on-ArchieJughead says it’s Pop Tate’s newest “culinary delight”, the Roasted, Spicy Garlic Burger.

Archie asks what the fuck he’s doing here. Jughead apologizes and says he thought he’d see if Archie wanted to catch a movie. Who the fuck does that? Don’t people make plans to go to the movies? Even if it’s a last-minute thing, shouldn’t Jughead call Archie instead of walking over to his house?

Anyway, when Archie reveals his dinner plans, Jughead seems to blame him for the way that he looks. Ass. Archie doesn’t know what to do, since this is he only suit.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-43-Veronica-phoneAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-44-phone-callArchie calls Veronica from Jughead’s house. Rather than explain the situation, he says it’s a “long story” and promises to make it up to her. She says he’s always making promises that he doesn’t keep. She mentions he gave her his super-sacred word and seems to indicate she’s scared to be “all alone” in “this creepy house” at night. Archie tells her to relax, saying nothing’s going to happen to her. She tells him to get here soon.

Archie and Jughead briefly discuss Archie’s appearance.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-45-Lodge-ManorAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-46-Veronica-waitsVeronica’s waiting at the bottom of the staircase again. There’s a knock at the door.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-47-Veronica-happyShe says come in. Seriously? You’re the one that’s scared, but you’re leaving the front doors unlocked and just inviting anyone in?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-48-front-doorsThe show ruins the suspense by immediately showing no one outside.

Veronica finally opens the doors, sees no one, and closes them. She hears a loud bang and then complains about Archie breaking his promise and her being creeped out and hearing things. Meanwhile, Nilnuze mists into the mansion through a (conveniently) open window.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-49-Veronica-NilnuzeAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-50-Veronica-mirrorAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-51-Veronica-Nilnuze-2AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-52-Veronica-scaredAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-53-Nilnuze-fangsShe doesn’t seem him until it’s too late.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-54-Archie-apologizesArchie arrives and rings the doorbell. Veronica answers the door. Archie apologizes and offers her the stolen flowers.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-55-Archie-scaredIt actually takes him a moment to react to this:

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-56-VamperonicaHow the fuck does he not immediately notice his girlfriend’s a vampire? And why does she still call him “Archiekins”?

Anyway, she criticizes him for being late and for the suit. He again says it’s a “long story”.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-57-Vamperonica-ArchieShe moves in for a bite of his “delicious” body.

He tries to get away but runs into her “new friend”, Nilnuze.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-58-Vamperonica-Archie-2She wants to feast on Archie, but Nilnuze shakes his head. She’s surprised. In typical short-sighted fashion, he says there will be plenty of time for that later. Even as a vampire, Veronica is her usual impatient self. Then she wants to bite Betty and Reggie – but not Jughead. Archie suggests she listen to her new friend.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-59-Vamperonica-Nilnuze-flyAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-60-Nilnuze-Vamperonica-flyAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-61-bats-moonNilnuze and Veronica fly away. Archie begs her not to go.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-62-Archie-drivesArchie laments what’s happening, believing it’s his fault (due to being late), although Veronica might have been turned after their date. Anyway, he gets in his car and tears off.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-63-bat-moonA single bat flies overhead.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-64-mansionAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-65-Scarlet-MedlockBack at the mansion, Scarlet and Medlock make small talk, because…I guess there isn’t anything to do until the Ender is turned. We learn Medlock is around 900 years old. That means he would have been born around the turn of the 12th century. Also, apparently, vampires age, but they won’t once the Eternal Night falls.

Scarlet pledges to spend eternity by Medlock’s side – even if he grows old and toothless. Medlock says there will never be another one like her.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-66-VamperonicaAnd then he promptly ditches her for Veronica. Ha.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-67-Vamperonica-mistAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-68-batVeronica kept Nilnuze (in mist form) in her mouth. She breathes him into her clenched fist and then reveals him (in bat form) in the palm of her hand. Just…why? Was Veronica just so eager to make a flashy entrance but didn’t wanna be stuck in Nilnuze’s mouth?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-69-vampiresMedlock praises Nilnuze and welcomes his “child” to the fold. Um, he didn’t turn her. Veronica flatters him.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-70-Scarlet-slaps-VamperonicaThen Scarlet bitch-slaps Veronica. Veronica is surprised that Scarlet still exists.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-71-Vamperonica-ScarletIt looks like the two of them are about to fight, but Medlock tells Scarlet to lay off their “beautiful new friend”. Medlock and Veronica walk off, complimenting each other and leaving Scarlet pissed off. She won’t put up with this shit. Even Nilnuze laughs at her. Medlock asks Veronica for the Sun Stone.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-72-batNilnuze turns into a bat and flies after them for whatever reason.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-73-Pop'sAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-74-Jughead-Betty-ReggieJughead, Betty, and Reggie leave Pop’s, pretending to have an actual conversation. Seriously, it’s weird; they’re not actually talking. Come to think of it, what do these diverse people talk about in normal conversation?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-75-gangArchie drives right up to them and gets out of the car. Reggie ribs him about the suit.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-76-Jughead-BettyWe learn Jughead has an Uncle Ahern. What’s up with Betty? Do these teens constantly scarf down food at Pop’s, because they’re constantly high?

Anyway, Betty asks Archie about his date with Veronica.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-77-gang-2Archie catches his breath and explains what happened. Reggie doubts the story.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-78-gang-3AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-79-Scarlet-moonScarlet comes by to confirm it.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-80-Reggie-faintsBetty, Archie, and Jughead are surprised that Scarlet still exists. Reggie faints.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-81-ScarletThen we get this creepy/cool panning shot of Scarlet’s face.

Betty, while taking a step back, brings up Scarlet’s supposed defeat.

Through the use of a flashback, during which there’s a new voiceover of Veronica reciting the incantation (but incorrectly saying “shall” instead of “will”) while aiming the cross at Scarlet (even though she hadn’t done so in the previous episode), Scarlet explains she transformed into mist before the deadly light of the Sun Stone could touch her.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-82-Scarlet-hitSeen here: Scarlet not transforming into mist before the deadly light of the Sun Stone could touch her.

Also, the animation was redone for the flashback (although the differences are almost imperceptible), which seems like a huge waste of time and effort. It also led to this completely avoidable error:

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-83-gang-Scarlet-NightAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-84-gang-flashbackAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-85-Scarlet-ArchieAnyway, Archie assumes she’s back for revenge, but Scarlet wants to help them save their “annoying friend”. Basically, kill Nilnuze, and Veronica turns back to normal.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-86-Scarlet-throws-ArchieAs she explains this, she throws Archie to the pavement, which is hilarious.

Oh, yeah, they have only one hour before the “vampire spell” becomes permanent. Vampire spell? The fuck?

After expositing stuff that we already know, Betty questions Scarlet’s motive. Scarlet doesn’t wanna spend eternity with “an eternal pain in the neck”. Betty doesn’t trust her. Archie doesn’t either, but he has to try to save Veronica to right his wrong. Scarlet will bring Nilnuze to the high school in a half-hour; she claims they “know what to do”. She turns into mist and takes off.

Fade out. Fade in.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-87-Archie-Jughead-BettyJughead doesn’t know what to do. Betty is repulsed by Jughead’s garlic burger. Archie tells Jughead to take a breath mint and adds “Those garlic burgers are lethal.”

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-88-garlic-burgerC’mon, you dumbass, put it together. The answer is literally right in front of you.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-89-Reggie-wakes-upReggie regains consciousness…

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-90-Reggie-passes-out…and promptly passes out again from the scent of the garlic burger.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-91-Reggie-duhIt’s only at this point that Archie gets an idea.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-92-Archie-BettyBetty volunteers to help. Archie sends her to find the Sun Stone in Veronica’s closet.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-93-Archie-Jughead-toss-ReggieArchie and Jughead toss Reggie in the back seat of Archie’s car. Then they go into Pop’s to “prepare for battle”.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-94-RHSAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-95-guys-eatLater, at Riverdale High School, the guys hide behind the Thinker statue and chow down garlic burgers. Reggie’s confused about Archie’s plan.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-96-Archie-newspaperArchie’s like “Read my column, you dumbass! It’s the garlic!” Does Archie just carry his column around to show off to people? Was he gonna show it off to the patrons and staff of La-Cha-Ching? Veronica would have kicked his ass.

Also, hasn’t Reggie ever seen a vampire movie?

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-97-Nilnuze-ScarletAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-98-guys-statueScarlet brings Nilnuze to the school, reveals his “dinner”, turns into mist, and leaves.

AWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-99-Lodge-mansionAWM-32-I-Was-a-Teenage-Vampire-100-Betty-closetBetty has a difficult task before her.