Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, December 5, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:20
The segment opens with Smithers picking up Mr. Lodge’s “priceless” new statues at an antique store (creatively called Antiques). He vows to “guard every step”.
He slips on a banana peel (which he somehow didn’t see while guarding every step) but manages to catch the statues.
Meanwhile, a couple dumbass workers (one of which is named Louie) push a piano along a sidewalk (instead of using a truck) and lose their grip on it. The piano goes downhill.
Archie, who happens to be biking along, warns Smithers, who’s running. Um, what happened to guarding every step?
Archie jumps off his bike and pushes Smithers out of the way, because he’s too stupid to realize a piano’s coming toward him. I assume this piano has wheels.
Archie tries but fails to save the statues.
Archie tries to fix them and apologizes to Smithers.
Smithers gets a funny line: “Who cares? They were merely worth millions.” Then he throws the statues away.
Smithers bad-touches Archie in gratitude for saving his life and vows to be his “humble servant forever”.
After Archie protests, Smithers undusts him.
Archie realizes he’s supposed to be home in a few minutes and worries. Smithers has an idea.
At the Andrews’ house, Fred’s raking the leaves and wondering where Archie is.
Don’t tell me that it took only a few minutes for the helicopter to come to their location, pick them up, and fly to Archie’s house.
Fred’s pissed that they just destroyed two hours’ worth of work.
Smithers takes Fred’s rake and gets to work.
When Archie decides to cut the grass, Smithers abandons raking and takes over, basically forbidding Archie from doing any work whatsoever.
Archie warns Smithers (too late) about the mower. If a grown man can’t handle it, what makes Archie think he can. By the way, yeah, this is total bullshit. Oh, well, Smithers doesn’t seem fazed by it.
Later, Archie relaxes while Smithers washes “Master Red”.
Red runs away. Smithers, declaring “I am relentless”, gives chase, resulting in:
“What the fuck are you doing, Smithers?!”
Smithers explains. Then Archie pretends to be tired, so Smithers grabs his ass and carries him off to bed.
YOU THOUGHT I WAS JOKING.
Veronica vows to get Smithers back.
Smithers has gotten Archie some new pajamas. Kinky.
He even brushes Archie’s teeth, getting his mouth ready for his cock.
Archie doesn’t feel sleepy, so Smithers serenades him.
By the way, check out that hitherto-unseen second bed. Smithers is sleeping in Archie’s bedroom. How are Archie’s parents okay with this?!
Oh, and you damn well know that second bed is just for appearances and will go unused.
Archie wakes up later (in the middle of the night, apparently) and is relieved that Smithers is gone.
Spoke too soon.
Smithers starts feeding Archie, but, after only one bite, Archie refuses the rest. Smithers is amused and says “Now, let’s dress for school.” I guess he’s in a hurry to get the young boy naked.
Not to worry, the episode skips over that, literally cutting to the next scene and showing Archie running to the front door while Jughead calls out: “Hey, Arch!”
Oh, look, Jughead’s at the door, and Archie greets him. I wonder if Jughead’s greeting to Archie wasn’t animated, so they just carelessly placed it before the door opened.
Anyway, Archie wants to get the fuck out of here before Smithers shows up.
Smithers rises up, like he passed through the floor out of the basement, and says “Halt! I shant let you scuff your tennies!” This results in Smithers giving Archie another piggy-back ride. Jughead wants in on it, too, but we never find out if Smithers obliges or not.
At Riverdale Junior High School, Smithers has to undust Archie’s desk before he can sit down. Archie is pleased.
Veronica isn’t, though. She’s pissed at both Smithers and Archie.
Archie gets into it with Veronica.
Veronica tries to pull Smithers home with her (even though the school day just started), to no avail. Smithers refuses to go with her. She storms off. Where’s she going? Is she ditching school?
Smithers takes out a large thermometer (which he just keeps in his jacket), declares the room is one degree too warm (by whose standards?), and tries to cool it with a broom or mop or feather duster (which he also keeps in his jacket).
Ms. Grundy finally shows up from wherever the fuck she’s been and calls out Smithers on his bullshit.
She also mentions Archie is “plant monitor” and gives him a watering can to start watering the plants. Smithers won’t have that, though. He tells Archie to sit the fuck down and…
Ms. Grundy is pissed, puts a dunce cap on Smithers, and tells him to sit in the corner.
Smithers agrees with the punishment.
Later, the coach tells the kids to do ten push-ups.
Smithers comes by with a chair, has Archie sit, and does his push-ups for him.
Well, tries to, anyway.
After seeing Reggie do pull-ups Smithers tries to do them, and Reggie ends up helping him.
Question: Why the fuck are the teachers and students enabling this behavior?! Smithers should be told to leave school grounds, and, if he refuses, he should be escorted off and barred from re-entry.
Anyway, Smithers continues to fail epicly at sports.
The coach finally gets on Archie’s case about not exercising (took him long enough), but Smithers takes offense to the coach even yelling at Archie. Then the coach just gives up and walks away instead of enforcing the rules.
Archie says they’re even now, but Smithers won’t have it, because his “honor dictates” lifelong servitude to Archie.
“After all, I have my dignity to uphold.” Okay, that’s pretty funny.
Archie realizes he has to ditch Smithers.
Archie and Jughead hide out in the theater. Jughead says Smithers will never find him in here.
Archie’s eager to see a scary scene that he’s heard about.
Smithers denies Archie the moment, though, for fear that Archie will have nightmares. If I was Archie, I would have physically assaulted Smithers right then and there, tearing into his flesh like a wild animal. Then I would have sued him for the cost of a movie ticket to see the film again.
Anyway, Archie freaks out, and then everyone else in the theater freaks out…for some reason.
Archie and Jughead get the fuck out of there. Archie decides they’ll hide in the amusement park.
There are two frames of black space in my copy of the episode, and then the next scene abruptly starts.
Let’s just dwell on the fact that Riverdale has an amusement park. Not a carnival that’s in town for a while. An actual amusement park. Little town, my ass.
Archie and Jughead get in a bumper car.
Somehow, Veronica has found them. Has she been following them around town, or did she just coincidentally decide to go to the amusement park after school and lucked out on coming across them? Anyway, she demands to know where Smithers is. Archie insists he doesn’t know.
For fuck’s sake…
Veronica demands Smithers get over to her. He obliges (even though he had effectively quit his job) and…
That’s what happens, man. Wear your fucking seatbelt.
Archie and Jughead quickly get out of their car and get out of there, sensing impending mayhem.
They think they’re safe, but…
Everyone runs away from Smithers, and then…
You go, girl! Show him who’s boss!
Actually, she just guilts him over her nightmarish life since he’s been gone. She had to butter her own toast this morning! Yesterday, she tripped, fell down, and had to pick herself up! Y’know, it’s kind of amazing that she’s able to function outside his presence. Oh, wait, no, it’s not; she does it all of the time on this show.
Anyway, Veronica finally admits she misses Smithers. Smithers misses her, too, but also manages to point out her faults. Veronica begs him to come home, saying she’ll be “extra awful”. That’s pretty funny. 🙂 Citing “a matter of honor”, Smithers declines to return. Veronica says she’s gonna hold her breath until he comes home, and then he just leaves. Ha.
Archie has the idea to go on a boat ride, saying it “can’t fail”. See, when they spot Smithers, Archie will jump overboard. Smithers will dive into the river to save him, and they’ll be even. Solid plan, Arch.
Also, props to the show for actually putting a river in Riverdale. I really don’t recall seeing that in the comics.
Smithers freaks the fuck out over Archie being on water.
Unfortunately, Archie had put his feet on two large wads of gum and is now stuck. Ditto for Jughead. Um, gum isn’t that powerful, dudes.
Archie cries out for help, because, um, reasons. Seriously, is this ride really unsafe?
Smithers quickly takes off his jacket, kicks off his shoes, and dives into the river. I seriously doubt he’s had much (if any) experience doing this.
After swimming for a while, Smithers suddenly remembers he can’t swim. *headdesk* THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! He starts flailing about in the water and cries out for help.
Veronica kicks off her boots and rushes into the river to save Smithers.
“You’re not drowning, you fucking dumbass! The water’s only two feet deep!”
Archie and Jughead rush ashore, and Archie helps Veronica get Smithers out of the river.
Since Veronica “saved” his life, Smithers will now serve her “forever” instead of Archie. Archie’s cool with that.
Unfortunately for Veronica, Smithers won’t even allow her to apply her own lipstick.
Smithers vows, when they get home, he’ll wash her hair and paint her toes, and Veronica runs the fuck away before she can hear anything even creepier.
“Hahahaha, isn’t the creepy old man just hilarious?!”
Archie even yells “Go get her, Smitty!”
“Get the fuck away from me, you old fucking pervert!”
This segment…Goddess, this fucking segment. Seriously, Smithers, what the fuck?!
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