Writers: Pat Allee & Ben Hurst
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 28, 1987 (assumed)
The segment opens with…these two random girls walking as Eugene talks.
They walk past Eugene’s house.
Eugene has made a robotic duplicate of himself and is wrongly convinced no one could tell the difference. Um, I can.
He turns the robot off, not having time to test it today.
Unfortunately, at the same time as Eugene leaves out the back door, Moose arrives through the front door. Two questions: Why does Eugene run out the back door? (Answer: So he and Moose miss each other; that’s it.) And why the fuck does Moose just run into Eugene’s house unannounced? Who does that in real life?
Of course, Moose is a dumbass and thinks “Eugene” is just playing funny by standing completely still. He accidentally activates the robot. Oh, and he ran in here to get Eugene for school, because they’re running late. I know I haven’t addressed this yet, but since when do junior high students walk/run/skateboard to school? I know I never did that. I took the school bus. On the very rare days that I missed the bus, and neither of my parents were home, I just stayed home.
Anyway, Moose is delighted that the robot points out a chocolate stain on his shirt. Moose wants to get going.
The robot death-stares at Moose and tells him to tuck in his fucking shirt.
Later, Archie’s playing frisbee with Red. Wow, remember Red? We haven’t seen him in a while.
Eugene stops by to play with Red. That’s cute.
Then Eugene and Archie walk to school together. Archie tells Red to stay. Um, Archie leaves his dog outside, untied and unsupervised? That’s a recipe for roadkill. I admit my cat has free roam of the yard, but he’s a fat, lazy-ass motherfucker that likes to sleep most of the day.
“What the fuck?!”
Red doesn’t know what to make of this, takes his frisbee, and leaves. Moose is confused.
Archie and Eugene enter Riverdale Junior High School. Eugene teases a “big-deal project” but can’t tell Archie before testing it.
Because he, too, is a dumbass, Reggie mistakes the robot for Eugene and demands to see his homework. Apparently, Eugene is not above letting Reggie copy his homework. The robot is, though, and lets him know it.
Ms. Grundy overhears and busts “Reginald”.
Later, Mr. Weatherbee tries to sneak a snack, but Ms. Grundy reminds him that he’s starting his diet today.
The robot tries to get smart about Mr. Weatherbee’s weight, and Moose has to shut him up. After some banter, Mr. Weatherbee throws his snack in the trash can, probably figuring he’d get caught again. Why doesn’t he just eat in the privacy of his own office? Anyway, he sees this:
He blames the diet, claiming he’s “weak from hunger”.
In class, Reggie tells Eugene that he got an hour’s detention. Eugene apologizes and then offers Reggie his homework to copy quick.
At lunch, Jughead approaches the robot and Moose and asks which “lucky guy” will loan him “a measley five bucks”. The robot calls Jughead out on his bullshit, which Moose finds hilarious. Jughead wonders what’s with “Eugene”. Moose suggests trying Big Ethel, because she’s “always got money”. Okay, um, Ethel isn’t exactly rich or anything close in the comics, but whatever. Jughead dismisses it, saying he’s “not that desperate” and doesn’t wanna hang out with her.
Betty has shit luck with her locker. Haha, I remember trying to fit everything in my locker back in the day. Never ripped a sweater in the process, though.
Eugene comes by and compliments the color (of her sweater, I guess). She thanks him and offers to “grab a sandwich” with him. He politely declines and walks away.
Holy shit, that’s a big burger! Don’t let Jughead see it!
Anyway, Moose suggests the robot come to watch him at the track and field tryouts. Wow, that’s arrogant. The robot decides to try out himself and chastises Moose for talking with his mouth full.
Moose isn’t sure what to make of “Eugene” trying out but then gives him a hamburger (he has “plenty”), thinking “Eugene” “forgot” his lunch.
Betty comes by and is like “What the fuck?” The robot insults Betty’s outfit. Betty gets confused and then pissed off. What she doesn’t do is take note of the obviously mechanical parts and robotic-sounding voice of her supposed friend.
Yeah, everyone on this show is a fucking idiot.
Anyway, Betty storms off, and Ms. Grundy randomly walks over to their table with an empty tray – for absolutely no reason except so the robot can put his huge burger on her tray and insult her weight. Oh, and he also insults her hairdo and suggests “a complete makeover”. She gives him an hour of detention today – “after school”. Um, is there another kind?
Anyway, Moose guesses “Eugene” won’t be at tryouts. “Eugene” says “I’ll be there.”
After the commercial break, Mr. Weatherbee complains about the “rabbit food” that he has to eat.
Both Eugenes walk past his door, confusing him. How does Eugene not see the robot walking directly in front of him?
Later, Amani calls out to “Eugene”, and he criticizes her for yelling (it’s not “ladylike”). She’s pissed but also needs his help with her computer project, so she’ll meet him at their “usual place” after school. I guess they stuck to those computer lessons. She says “Gotta run” and leaves.
For some reason, this causes the robot to short circuit.
Later, Eugene asks his “buddy” Moose where he’s been all day. Moose finds this funny and says he’ll see Eugene at tryouts. Eugene says he isn’t coming and leaves, confusing Moose.
Later, Moose encounters the robot, which is dressed for tryouts, confusing him. The robot tells Moose to eat more fish – “brain food”.
Somehow, Moose doesn’t murder it.
Later, Ethel and “Juggie” pass them on their way to Pop’s. The robot calls Jughead “desperate”.
Ethel gets angry.
Jughead “predicts” a storm and uses it as an excuse to run away.
Ethel confronts “Eugene”. Jughead told it that he’d have to be desperate to borrow money from her.
She whacks him in the face with her purse. He runs away, and she chases him.
Later, Mr. Weatherbee leaves his office, sees only one Eugene, and decides the worst must be over.
Spoke too soon.
Mr. Weatherbee decides he needs food to avoid seeing things.
Later, Eugene makes a passing mention to Betty about the “brutal” math test that they’d had.
This pisses her off.
Eugene asks “Juggie” what happened to him. Jughead gets pissed.
Eugene wonders what the fuck’s going on.
Ms. Grundy nabs Eugene and throws his ass in detention.
Reggie vows revenge. Eugene is hopelessly lost. Ms. Grundy piles on fifteen or fifty more minutes for talking.
“I don’t understand! Someone please explain!”
At the tryouts, Moose throws a discus and does pretty good.
Moose cautions his “little buddy” to be careful while throwing the heavy discus.
Somehow, this doesn’t tip anyone off, but, then again, humans on this show regularly demonstrate superhuman capabilities.
The coach gets excited over “Eugene” (again) and violates personal boundaries.
Moose is done.
Later, at Pop’s, Amani chews Eugene out for being late. He’s confused and doesn’t answer when she asks where he was, giving her the idea that he doesn’t want to help her.
Eugene goes inside.
Jughead, Moose, and Betty are here – and want nothing to do with Eugene. He leaves.
Mr. Weatherbee is here, too. He sees the robot out the window and freaks out again.
Eugene comes home, still confused, and realizes his robot is gone.
Back at Pop’s, the gang (sans Veronica, who I guess is absent today) discusses Eugene’s odd behavior. Archie suggests checking up on him.
This warrants a group cheer.
Mr. Weatherbee wonders what to do and apparently contemplates suicide.
The robot just happens to show up…for some reason. It causes Mr. Weatherbee to fall in the water, and then it admonishes him for not reading the sign. Mr. Weatherbee says he can’t swim. As he drowns, the robot says “Hmmm. Well, then, technically, you’re not breaking the law.” Okay, that was pretty funny. 🙂
The gang shows up…for some reason.
Mr. Weatherbee cries out for help. The robot is conflicted but eventually decides he has to help.
“Eugene” saves Mr. Weatherbee. The gang cheers.
Mr. Weatherbee comes to…
…and faints upon seeing “Eugene”.
“Eugene” says it serves him right for not reading.
Moose doesn’t take kindly to that.
He angsts over decapitating his “little buddy”.
Archie points out that it’s a robot, and Moose is upset that his “best friend” is a robot.
Mr. Weatherbee wakes up and sees this:
Surprisingly, he doesn’t faint. Also, why do the robot’s eyes open on their own?
Eugene suddenly shows up…for some reason.
Mr. Weatherbee freaks out and…
Then the decapitated robot touches Mr. Weatherbee’s arm.
It goes as you’d expect.
Eugene laughs as he finally realizes what’s been going on.
As he reaches down to help Betty onto the dock, the robot knocks him into the water.
It’s all good, though.
This segment was kinda funny, but it relied too much on 1) everyone being too much of an idiot to see a robot for what it was, 2) no one except Mr. Weatherbee encountering two Eugenes throughout the day, and 3) everyone just randomly showing up at the dock at the end.
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