The New Archies, Segment 23 – Jughead’s Millions

Writer: Gary Greenfield
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, November 28, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

I’m sorry that this is a bit late.

The segment opens with Veronica relating a rich, privileged white girl anecdote in class.

Betty calls her out on it.

Reggie and Veronica are shocked by this challenge to their worldview.

Archie talks about what being a middle-class kid is like.

Jughead talks about having to prepare his own “after-breakfast before-lunch snack”.

Ms. Grundy brings up a “special class project”. They’re going to pretend to be adults.

She marries Archie and Betty for a day.

Reggie and Veronica laugh at that. Notably, Veronica’s not the least bit jealous.

Ms. Grundy then assigns the “two gigglers” as their children. Veronica protests. Grundy then corrects Veronica’s grammar (complete with finger wag), because she’s petty. Thankfully, Reggie has a snappy comeback (whether intentional or not) that Riverdale fans can appreciate.

Jughead’s all for the assignment, because he doesn’t have to do shit, but Ms. Grundy gives him $5.00 to invest in the stock market, despite the fact that he’s legally unable to. He wants to invest it in a dozen cheeseburgers, but she won’t let him.

Amani wants to know what the c-list characters are gonna do.

They’re gonna take care of a baby goat, of course! Ms. Grundy had the poor creature stashed in the storage closet. Did Mr. Weatherbee approve this shit?

Also, Ms. Grundy doesn’t care that the goat is eating her students’ papers.

The goat immediately gets on Jughead’s bad side, eating his sandwich.

Ms. Grundy wants the rest of them to write a composition entitled “What It Means to Be an Adult”. The class hates it, and I distinctly hear Veronica protesting, even though she should be exempt from having to write it, because she’s roleplaying for this assignment.

Everyone gets up to leave, even though a bell hasn’t rung, and the class hasn’t been dismissed.

Jughead asks Archie to help him invest the money. Archie gets a bit sassy.

Betty decides Archie’s “wife and kids” are gonna follow him everywhere.

“Um, suuure, honey.” *mutters* “Creepy fucking bitch.”

Reggie’s already had enough of this shit, and Veronica vows to drive Archie and Betty crazy.

So Jughead goes downtown and invests the $5 in some sketchy cheeseburger company. I’m still not sure how he’s able to legally do this. Also, the broker never gives him a stock certificate.

Reggie tries to fuck things up by putting gum in the computer’s keyboard.

Archie’s pissed and orders his “kids” to stand in the corner.

Betty explains her “kids” are cranky when they’ve missed their nap, which is kind of funny. She offers the broker a tissue for the gum, which doesn’t help. Archie also tries getting the gum off.

Reggie and Veronica continue fucking shit up.

Suddenly, the computer informs them that the company that Jughead wanted to invest in (although we never actually see that investment take place) is now the “hottest company in the country”. Jughead’s investment is now worth $50,000, and the value is going up every minute. What the fuck?

Anyway, Reggie and Veronica are excited, but Archie tells them to take it easy, because Jughead is a “responsible adult”.

Nope. He gets his hair and nails done. I find this very unrealistic. Jughead would be spending all of his money on cheeseburgers. Period.

Anyway, Betty suggests Jughead’s overdoing it. Archie seconds what “the little woman” said, and Betty doesn’t react. At all. If I was her, I would have punched that sexist pig right in the fucking face.

Anyway, Jughead literally throws his money away, causing a riot, and promises more. Veronica (the billionaire heiress) and Reggie (the son of the owner of the town’s newspaper) ask “Uncle Juggiekins” (ugh) for some spending money. Well, Veronica does; Reggie just laughs obnoxiously. Jughead’s happy to give the “kids” money to buy themselves “some more trinkets”. They’re unjustifiably happy. Remember, Veronica is basically Riverdale’s version of Paris Hilton. Why the fuck is she excited over getting a few hundred dollars?

Veronica goes out shopping and takes interest in a 49-carat diamond, which she apparently has to put her sunglasses on in order to examine. Why the fuck is she even still wearing those stupid sunglasses at all at this point?

Meanwhile, Reggie’s bought ponies…and brought them into the department store.

Veronica decides they’re gonna race to the ticket booth. What in the actual fuck?

Veronica wants to buy tickets to the Rolling Pebbles concert. The ticket booth attendant, trying to go for a young, hip California surfer accent, disappoints the “rad chick” by revealing he just sold the last two tickets to “this righteous old babe”. Veronica’s bummed.

LOL!

Archie and Betty arrive and have a laugh at it.

Reggie and Veronica leave their ponies unattended. Betty informs them that Jughead has a “surprise” for all of them.

Yeah, Jughead bought a fucking wrestling arena.

“Why the fuck did you blow a ton of money on this, you fucking idiot?!”

“I can do rich-people shit now, ’cause I’m one of them. Check this out.”

Yeah, Jughead also bought a fucking all-girl wrestling team known as the Fabulous Bone Crushers.

Reggie isn’t impressed, because he’s a sexist pig, so…

The fuck?

Archie informs his “son” that they’re off to Jughead’s new house. When did Jughead inform him of this? They just now learned about his new arena.

Yeah, Jughead also bought a fucking mansion. Betty tells her “children” to behave themselves and informs them that dinner’s almost ready. Veronica tells “Mommy” that they will.

Yeah, right. Oh, and Jughead doesn’t even give a shit, in case you’re wondering.

Jughead’s butler serves him some “before-dinner burgers”. The doorbell rings. Jughead sends him to see who it is.

It’s the fucking goat. Wow, I’d completely forgotten about that.

Oh, and Moose, Amani, and Eugene barge in as well, chasing after it.

Jughead can’t catch a break.

Um, no.

The video that I have goes black for six frames, so I guess that was a commercial break.

Anyway, Betty sucks at cooking steaks, but she manages to joke about it.

Betty’s rice spills onto the floor, and Archie walks onto the slippery floor like a dumbass, slips, and falls.

Betty fucked up the toast as well and jokes about it.

Ha.

Reggie and Veronica start chanting “We want food!”, because they’re spoiled pieces of shit, and their “parents” happily serve them. Of course, the “kids” refuse to eat “this slop”.

There is no fucking way that that goat can drag Moose Mason.

Okay, that’s pretty funny.

Veronica starts a food fight.

Jughead comes by and tries to gently tell the “kids” to knock it off.

But then he promptly forgets about it when there’s food in his mouth.

Anyway, he tells them that he’s gonna be on The Lifestyles of the Filthy Rich. Archie makes a joke.

Holy shit, that’s a lot of shit that Jughead ordered.

Anyway, Jughead is interviewed poolside by a Robin Leach knockoff that doesn’t look anything like him.

The butler comes by and accidentally knocks the host into the swimming pool. He hands Jughead an “urgent telegram”. Jughead guesses it’s from his broker with news of more money.

Nope. “All of [his] investments took a nosedive” (despite the fact that Jughead only ever showed interest in investing in one company), leaving him “flat broke”.

The butler passes out at the thought of having to stand in the unemployment line, and then he falls into the swimming pool.

Jughead doesn’t care, since he still has all of his possessions.

Faster than you can say “What the shit?”, a bunch of guys show up and take away all of the shit that Jughead had ordered but hadn’t opened yet, despite the fact that he used cash, check, or credit to purchase them. These companies would have no idea that Jughead’s suddenly broke.

Some random guy even comes by and confiscates Reggie and Veronica’s ponies.

So, naturally, they throw temper tantrums about wanting their ponies.

Jughead gets out a burger “to think”, saying at least no one can take that away from him.

Ha.

So everyone falls into the swimming pool.

The host does the sign-off for his show, despite the facts that 1) his microphone probably is no longer working, and 2) his camera operator has probably long since taken off.

Later, at Riverdale Junior High School, Ms. Grundy asks Jughead what he’s learned about the stock market. He says it’s risky business, and he prefers the supermarket. Don’t ever go into stand-up, Jug.

Ms. Grundy asks Archie and Betty what they discovered about raising children. Betty says it’s not easy, and Archie has a new appreciation for parents. Ms. Grundy hopes everybody gained from their assignment.

Veronica says Archie and Betty are “creepy parents”. Um, did they force you to watch them fuck, Ronnie? If not, then shut the fuck up. Reggie blames them for the loss of their ponies, because…reasons.

Veronica proposes letting the two of them be the parents for a day, saying they’ll do better. Ms. Grundy asks if they’re sure, saying sometimes kids get “special treatment”. They’re sure.

Ms. Grundy gives Betty and Archie the last two tickets to tonight’s Rolling Pebbles concert.

Veronica protests, demanding the tickets. Ms. Grundy says just the “kids” get to go. Lest you think Ms. Grundy set all of this up ahead of time, she actually admitted she was lucky enough to get the tickets, so this is merely an impromptu, last-minute lesson for Veronica and Reggie.

Reggie blatantly snatches the tickets out of Archie’s hand. Archie demands them back.

Just then, the goat, running unsupervised throughout the school, busts open the door, heads directly for Reggie, and eats the tickets, because no one except him is allowed to be happy.

Oh, yeah, we learn from Archie, who makes a joke, that the goat’s name is Munchie. Whatever. The class yucks it up.

This segment was pretty stupid. It was impossible straight from the start, because Jughead would never be allowed to make an investment in the stock market on his own.

Tune in next Wednesday!