Writer: Michael Patrick Dobkins
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 16, 1999
Note: This episode is placed second on the DVD set.
The episode opens on a panning shot of Riverdale.
It then zooms in on Riverdale High School, giving us a nice aerial view of the campus.
Ah, here’s the scene of last episode‘s final battle.
Archie comes out, carrying a shit-ton of books. Then Veronica calls him back to open the door for her. He apologizes and does so.
She then hits him for his trouble.
He drops all of the books. She gets on his case for being “so clumsy”.
Yeah, this is a Veronica-is-a-bitch episode. Strap in.
The rest of the gang come out. Reggie observes “Veronica’s in top form today.” Jughead says “The Queen of Whine commands her loyal subject.”
Veronica’s impatient, wanting Archie to hurry the fuck up, so she can get home. Archie picks up all of the books and follows her.
Betty, in one of the most horrible lines in this series, tells Reggie and Jughead to “show Veronica a little understanding”, because this is “just a stage” that she’s going through. NO. The correct line, addressed to Veronica, would be “Carry your own books, you lazy fucking bitch.” Anyway, Reggie and Jughead make fun of this advice – and of Veronica in general.
Archie observes the many books that Veronica’s bringing home and guesses she has a lot of homework. Veronica says she’d rather bring all of her books home every day than memorize her locker combination. Archie says “Very sensible” and drops her books in the back seat of his car. NO. The correct action would have been to drop all of her books on the ground, say “Carry them home yourself, you lazy fucking bitch”, and then tear off. Why’s Archie taking all of this abuse? Does Veronica let him put his dick anywhere?
He also has to open the door for her. I’m surprised that she doesn’t make him fasten her seatbelt.
After Archie’s closed his door, fastened his sealtbelt, and gotten his keys out, Veronica whines about the top being down and the wind fucking up her hair.
As Archie struggles with the top, Reggie and Jughead insult Veronica by making corny puns. Betty says it could be worse: they could be Archie.
The episode moves on to the next scene instead of waiting for Archie to get the top up.
Later, at Lodge Manor, Veronica is chillaxing poolside, reading an untitled magazine and enjoying yogurt.
I don’t know what’s in it, but it fucks up her eyes.
She drops her spoon, so she whines at Smithers to get her a new one.
Mr. Lodge witnesses her spoiled, bratty behavior and is pretty angry about it.
Smithers brings her a spoon, which apparently must be carried on a napkin on a platter.
Veronica objects to the size of the spoon, because her “dainty mouth” requires a small spoon.
What’s with all of the blue in this scene?
Smithers is voiced by Jerry Longe, the same guy that voices Doctor Beaumont.
Mr. Lodge starts to get an idea.
The poolside phone rings, and she has Smithers come back and get it for her, because it’s “too far”.
Mr. Lodge (John Michael Lee) declares “Someone needs a major attitude adjustment.” Mr. Lodge has a Boston Brahmin accent, which is appropriate, because one of Veronica’s two origins in the comics was as a Boston sub-deb. Think Thurston Howell III on “Gilligan’s Island”.
Smithers reminds himself that Mr. Lodge pays for six weeks of vacation every year due to days like this. Smithers answers the phone and hands it to Veronica.
It’s Archie, inviting Veronica to Pop’s. Veronica accepts on the condition that Archie drives.
Mr. Lodge snatches the phone away and tells Archie that Veronica will meet him later, after she does a chore. Veronica whines. Her dad’s like “I’m sick of your shit, you selfish twat. What if everyone acted like that?” Veronica’s like “That’d be awesome.” Her dad lectures her about needing to know how to run the company someday. Veronica admits she hates hard work and then asks about the chore. Mr. Lodge is happy.
Fade out. Fade in (no commercial break, since the music is continuous). It fades back in on the swimming pool, even though Veronica and her dad have gone back inside, I guess so we’re left wondering for a bit exactly what Veronica has to do.
Veronica has an hour to pack up a bunch of stuff for the museum before the workers arrive to pick them up. She whines about not being able to do it alone. Her dad says Smithers will be here. Veronica is relieved, guessing she merely has to supervise Smithers.
Nope. Other way around.
Seriously, who doesn’t put the name on a business’ building?
Anyway, Pop happily serves Jughead, Reggie, and Betty. But what kind of restaurant puts the food directly onto a serving tray with no individual plates for the customers?
Anyway, Reggie is supposedly shocked that Jughead just shoved an entire hamburger in his mouth, but he was actually making this face before Jughead did that. Reggie then gives his hamburger to Jughead, because he’s lost his appetite. Jughead happily takes it.
Hmm, I guess these are technically cheeseburgers. Anyway, Betty note Pop’s “merry mood”. Pop’s all “Life’s good!”, but he doesn’t specify anything that would make him particularly happy on this specific day.
Archie comes by. Betty asks if there’s any word on Veronica. He’s like “Still packing.”
Betty’s excited for the show to open and has been looking through the exhibit catalog for “weeks”. I guess she did a lot of re-reading. Archie looks through it and muses about a possible “Archie’s Weird Mysteries” column.
Archie comes across something that I don’t know how to spell. He pronounces it like “Snakebah” or “Snakebod” or something. Betty says, according to legend, it means “granter of wishes”.
Veronica just happens to be holding it. How did Mr. Lodge get all of these artifacts? Does he fund expeditions to find this stuff and then donates/loans the stuff to the local museum? Does he make any money off it?
Anyway, Veronica asks Smithers where he want her to put it (the last item). He tells her. She whines about all of the “boring” “junk”.
Smithers says “Not everyone is like you, Veronica. Maybe you should make an effort to understand how others think and feel.” Veronica’s like “Wah, no one tries to understand me, wah!”
Veronica wishes everyone would become just like her. Then she says something that I can’t understand. The ground shakes. Smithers reacts. Veronica doesn’t; she just asks Smithers if she can go now. Smithers starts to ask her about the quake but then realizes she’s a self-absorbed twat and just lets her go.
Later, Mr. Lodge is amazed at Veronica’s work. The doorbell rings. Mr. Lodge politely asks Smithers to let the museum workers in.
Smithers suddenly whines about it.
“Okay, dude, chill.” Wait, if Mr. Lodge can stand up to his own daughter for this behavior, then why can’t he stand up to his hired help?
Back at Pop’s, Jughead is chowing down a shitload of cheeseburgers. Reggie has gone from sick to fascinated about Jughead’s metabolism.
Archie theorizes about a black hole in Jughead’s stomach that funnels the food to an alternate universe, where it feeds thousands. Mmmkay. Betty just says Jughead’s metabolism is “incredibly strange”. C’mon, girl, you’re not getting into the spirit of the discussion. Put forth more effort. Theorize!
Anyway, Jughead insists he’s “just a growing boy” and says he has room for more. Reggie says they can’t “deny this force of nature”, so Archie orders another round of burgers for the “human garbage disposal”. Pop whines about it and tells them to make the burgers themselves.
Pop also tells them to stop staring at him and leave him the fuck alone. Reggie, Betty, and Archie discuss it. Archie says “Maximum weirdness.” He also finds Pop’s behavior “somehow familiar”. He decides to use the pay phone outside to call the doctor just in case. Ah, the days before cell phones. Wait, never mind, this is ten years after Zack Morris had a cell phone and three years after Katie Lemore and Fran.
Anyway, Archie says “Things can’t get weirder than this” and leaves. Jughead wonders about his next plate of burgers.
Pop files his nails. Did he just happen to have a nail file handy? Did a customer leave it?
Suddenly, a mysterious white light affects everyone in the diner…
…except Archie, I guess. Anyway, just as he walks outside, Veronica shows up. Archie’s glad to see her and tells her that “Pop Tate is acting awfully weird”. They go inside.
Archie notices this, but Veronica doesn’t; she’s merely concerned that she’s double-parked outside. So why’d she do that? Didn’t she want to hang out at Pop’s with Archie? She makes it sound like they need to leave.
Anyway, Archie realizes “it can always get weirder than this” and faints.
Fade out. Fade in.
Archie comes to and sees this:
Both Poperonica and Veronica whine at him. Archie gasps and backs away.
Both of them insist they’re the real Veronica. Archie says “This should be a lot more fun than it’s turning out to be.” Yeah, you know what that means: Archie was looking forward to a threesome with Veronica and Pop Tate.
For fuck’s sake…
Jughead and Reggie comment on the situation. Betty is more direct:
“Knock it off, bitches!”
Veronica calls Poperonica an “imposter” and insults his (her?) outfit. Poperonica talks herself up.
“I said ‘Knock it off’, you fucking bitches!”
Betty has Reggie and Jughead lock Poperonica in the stock room while they sort this out. Archie complains about his head, but I don’t know if it’s due to him passing out and falling on the floor or the constant complaining.
Betty explains to Veronica that Pop changed into a duplicate of her. Veronica says that doesn’t make sense, forgetting she’s living in Riverdale. Archie suggests searching for the explanation. Veronica whines. Betty shoots her a look and then suggests checking newspapers at the library for recent odd news. Why doesn’t Betty mention the white light? Why doesn’t Veronica mention her wish?
Betty picks up her bag (interesting that she doesn’t carry a purse; of course, that got destroyed), and they leave without Reggie and Jughead. They don’t even tell them that they’re leaving.
As they go outside, Archie says “At least, the problem is isolated to Pop Tate.” You know what that means.
Archie tries to get himself to no longer say shit like this. Also, couldn’t they have picked a wider variety of outfits for the Veronicas?
Betty makes a silly “trendsetter” joke to Veronica.
“Look! I’m stealing my car!” That’s pretty funny. 🙂
As Veronica runs through the crowd of Veronicas, one of them gasps upon seeing her. Why? It’s not like any of them noticed anything was wrong up to this point.
Betty yells at Veronica to come back, because, yeah, it’s stupid to run off into a crowd of yourselves – especially if some of them are wearing your outfit.
Archie also yells after Veronica, saying they’ll lose her. Betty suggests going after her.
“Outta my car, bitch!”
“My car, bitch!” She speeds off.
Veronica yells at Officer Veronica to fucking do something.
“But that’s, like, work!”
Veronica lectures her about responsibility. Officer Veronica whines at her.
“Forget it, bitch.”
“This is so exhausting! Someone else do it! Mail is stupid!”
This is the moment when Veronica realizes, yes, she does in fact sound like a lazy, whiny, fucking bitch.
I love the fact that Veronica is completely shocked and aghast to see herself as a mime.
Mime Veronica eventually realizes miming is stupid and starts describing what she’s doing. That’s hilarious. 🙂
Veronica runs off and comes face to face with…
…an army of Veronicas that want to attack her…for some reason.
With her back against the wall (literally), Veronica yells at them to quit their fucking whining.
They respond by…making grabbing or waving motions in front of her…but no actual attempts to grab her. She runs away.
As Archie and Betty search, Archie makes a funny joke. Betty talks about the stupidity of what Veronica had done and suggests someone should have warned her. You’re realizing this just now?!
Veronica finds them and apologizes to Archie for her whining. Betty’s like “We’ve been looking all over for you, bitch!”
The girls hug it out. Veronica casually mentions her wish.
You can practically see the gears turning in Betty’s head.
She presses Veronica for info. Archie gets an idea and asks Betty for the exhibit catalog.
Wow, that idol was put on the front page, too. It seems like the museum people considered it to be major.
Anyway, Archie opens the catalog to a picture of the idol (ignoring the one on the front cover) and asks Veronica if she was holding it at the time of her wish. She confirms it. He shows it to Betty. Archie guesses Veronica’s wish goes through stages: whiny and selfish…
“Like me.” Yeah, she actually admits it, and she feels ashamed.
“And then they fucking become you!” Seriously, why does Betty look so pissed?
Archie tells Veronica to call her dad and get the idol back.
No luck. The phone’s out of reach!
“You get up and answer it, fatass!”
“Fuck you, old man! You get up and answer it!”
“Pick up, damn it!”
Archie says they’ll have to go to the museum.
Wow, there’s an actual bar in Riverdale.
Veronica doesn’t understand why Archie and Betty haven’t been affected. Archie says Veronica’s wish covers everyone in the world and probably works gradually, hitting people at different speeds.
Betty and Archie realize what this means, which is fucking obvious.
Fade out. Fade in.
Betty reads about how the idol was originally kept on a high pedestal surrounded by death traps to prevent people from taking advantage of its powers, and the museum has faithfully recreated all of it. Exsqueeze me, fucking what?! That’s a massive lawsuit waiting to happen. Who on the museum’s board approved that?! And why would Mr. Lodge want to do business with this museum?! None of them address this. Archie simply laughs off the death traps. Oh, and I guess Betty missed that little detail during her “weeks” of reading this brochure.
Then they run out of gas, because Archie fails at life.
Betty says they’ll have to run to the museum and hops out of the car (she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt). Archie gets out of his car normally. Veronica whines about how she hates running.
“Outta the car, bitch.”
Veronica apologizes for the “force of habit”.
Damn, for a “little town”, Riverdale’s got a big museum. Our heroes run toward it, Veronica lagging behind Archie and Betty.
Sure, stop and rest. It’s not like time is of the essence or anything.
There’s a bit of walking, probably meant to pad out the episode.
Archie comments on the enormity of the place, and, yeah, no fucking kidding. This is, like, a New York City-sized museum, not one for a supposedly podunk town like Riverdale.
Anyway, Betty suggests asking a security guard for the location of the exhibit.
Who didn’t see that coming?
Anyway, Security Guaronica whines at them but also makes a guess, so they run in that direction, although Veronica and Betty discuss the “darkness” of the corridor first. Seriously?
As they’re running, there’s a flash of white light. Veronica shields her eyes. Then she admits she’s afraid of the dark and tells Betty to hold her hand. Sure, I’d ship them.
Betty whines at Veronica.
“I will make us a couple!”
Betty keeps whining at her.
“Snap out of it, bitch!”
Betty insists her name’s Veronica.
Veronica leaves her behind and heads for the exhibit, lamenting what she’s done and criticizing herself.
She then hits her head against the top of the exhibit’s faithful recreation of the low-clearance entrance and knocks herself out.
Okay, fun drinking game:
Take one shot whenever:
*someone passes out
*someone says “weird”
*someone says “mystery”
*someone learns a lesson
Take two shots whenever:
*someone says “weird mystery”
More rules will be added as I think of them.
Fade out. Fade in.
Veronica comes to, thinking it was a dream.
Seriously, what’s with all of the blue eyes and teeth in this episode? It’s especially inexcusable in this particular shot!
Anyway, she tells “Archiekins” to pull her up, and he whines at her. She gets up and apologizes.
She starts walking, talks to herself for a bit, and finally realizes it’s all up to her. Then, hilariously, she asks why she’s talking to herself.
She gasps when the idol is within her sight.
Veronica guesses it seems safe enough and starts walking toward the idol.
Suddenly, a rock falls behind her, narrowly missing her. She guesses they’re in “death trap mode”. She makes a run for it…
…and triggers another death trap.
“That all you got?!” Bitch, haven’t you learned from Archie to not say this kind of shit?
While complaining to…the death traps(?), Veronica manages to jump across the chasm (admittedly, she has to grab hold of the ledge and climb out).
She then thanks…whoever, picks up the idol, and chats with it for a while, admitting her mistakes.
She then asks it to take back her wish…and waits…
Guessing it didn’t work, she returns the idol to its pedestal. She wishes everything would return to normal.
Because she used the magic word, the idol does as she requests. There’s even an earthquake to signal it, but Veronica still isn’t quite sure.
We learn Veronica likes extra-scrumptious strawberry-flavored non-fat frozen yogurt, and Mr. Lodge doesn’t.
At Pop’s, Pop kicks open the door of the stock room and throws Jughead and Reggie into a booth (I thought they were supposed to lock him in there, not go in there with him; what were they doing with “her” this whole time?). He also wonders about this:
Outside, everyone’s back to normal.
Back in the museum, Archie and Betty meet up with Veronica, who realizes she reversed her wish. Before leaving, she thanks the idol.
Then she realizes there’s still a chasm separating her from her friends and asks them for help. But then she doesn’t wait for an answer before deciding to handle it herself. Veronica, honey, I think you’re allowed to ask for help in this case. You don’t need to be Lara Croft (although you totally were in this episode).
Outside, Veronica tells them her heroic tale. Betty and Archie praise her, Archie even telling Veronica that she saved Riverdale and the world (which is true). Veronica guesses she must be “some tough hero-type lady”. Then she gets pissed that she broke a nail.
Archie and Betty begin to lose hope that Veronica has evolved, but she was just dicking with them.
Fade out. Fade in.
Archie’s typing up his column. Of course, no one remembers anything.
Veronica is a lot less whiny nowadays.
Archie says “Be careful what you wish for; you might get it” is always good advice…
…in a little town called Riverdale.
This was a pretty cool episode. Veronica (unknowingly) fucked things up and then needed to step up and save the day. That’s awesome. We also got our first look at Veronica’s cool yellow sports car (I assume she gets it back). While Veronica does relax by the swimming pool, there isn’t a definite placement for this episode. It could occur in spring but also just as easily in early autumn.
Tune in next Wednesday!
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