The New Archies, Segment 11 – Hamburger Helpers

Writers: Pat Allee & Ben Hurst
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, October 17, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

The segment opens with Miss Grundy’s class learning about the four basic food groups (as Mr. Weatherbee walks by outside, eating what I’m guessing is an apple).

There’s some “hilarity” with the chart rolling back up. The class finds it hilarious anyway.

Miss Grundy’s pissed but tries to continue with the lesson.

Betty and Veronica give good answers.

There’s a funny joke where the class beats Jughead to yelling out “hamburgers”.

Jughead tries to make the case that hamburgers are the perfect food: they combine all four food groups. Well, maybe cheeseburgers. Anyway, Miss Grundy tries to argue with him, but then…

Daydream time! It occurs at pretty much the same time as in the previous segment.

Jughead likes his women like he likes his hamburgers.

Miss Grundy and some students yell at Jughead, which brings him back to reality. Miss Grundy warns him about someday waking up and looking like a hamburger.

Reggie uses the opportunity to insult Jughead’s looks. The class cracks up – except Jughead.

After school, Betty cautions Jughead against eating just hamburgers for his whole life. Jughead doesn’t see the big deal, and Veronica advises Betty to forget it. Jughead seconds that. Veronica guesses Jughead can’t give up hamburgers.

Archie and Reggie skateboard over to them. Oh, look, there’s a karate dojo near Pop’s.

Jughead and the girls are positively in awe over Archie and Reggie’s skateboards, which were apparently projects that they’d been working on for three months and finally finished (or at least Archie was; it’s unclear if Reggie was). I once hung out with some kids in elementary school or middle school, and one of them built his own bike out of various parts. Even we weren’t in awe like these easily-impressed characters are. In fact, I remember some concern over safety.

So what happened to Archie’s previous skateboard? Anyway, he shows off for a bit.

Not to be outdone, Reggie shows off as well.

The others don’t care and go into Pop’s before he finishes his (admittedly impressive) stunts. Reggie goes in after them.

Ah, the 1980s: back when arcade machines were actually worth playing. There’s a local movie theater in this county that still has a few outdated arcade games (Jurassic Park III, The Fast and the Furious, etc.); somehow, I have a feeling that they don’t make any money off them. Anyway, the arcade game verbally congratulates Eugene by name. Not impossible, I suppose.

Oh, for fuck’s sake, this is gonna be a judgmental story, isn’t it?

Betty wants “Juggie” to at least try other foods.

Jughead has Betty read his lips before it was cool.

He claims he could give hamburgers up today if he wanted to. Veronica argues with him about it. She eventually proposes a wager: if he can give up hamburgers for a week, she’ll buy all that he can eat for a whole day.

Reggie and Archie argue over it as well. Archie supports Jughead. Reggie asks if Archie bets his skateboard on it, which gives Archie second thoughts. Jughead and Betty advise against it. Reggie proposes Archie’s skateboard against one month of Reggie’s allowance.

Jughead clearly doesn’t inspire confidence in Archie. Regardless, Archie accepts the bet. Veronica asks Jughead. Jughead nervously accepts her bet.

Reggie and Archie shake on it (as do Veronica and Jughead), and Reggie shocks Archie with a joy buzzer.

Veronica makes a disappointed Jughead start the bet now, therefore giving up the huge stack of burgers that he had ordered for lunch. How could he even pay for all of those?

That night, the camera zooms in on a window on the top floor of the Jones house. This is implied to be Jughead’s bedroom.

But Jughead clearly has the light on in his room. Also, he’s got a picture of his one true love on the wall. He sadly flips it over to not be tempted.

NOT THAT THAT WOULD DO ANY FUCKING GOOD.

The next day (I guess), Jughead puts an X on the first day of the month. Funny how the month is unlisted. Realistically, this would be April of 1987. Anyway, Jughead gets upset over the amount of time that he has left to go.

At school, Miss Grundy’s class is taking a test.

Jughead can’t concentrate.

He has an orgasm when he spots Amani’s lunch bag on the floor. Why’d she bring it to class with her instead of putting it in her locker?

Anyway, he imagines it’s a hamburger, or there’s a hamburger inside the bag (it’s unclear). For some reason, during the transformation, the scene fades nearly to black. That’s an…odd effect to add. Not sure why they did that.

Jughead tries to steal Amani’s lunch, and she calls him out on it. Jughead counters with “It’s my destiny!”

They fight over the bag. Check out Moose just enjoying the whole spectacle.

Somehow, a hole opens in the bottom of the bag, and the contents fall out. Jughead is disappointed in the non-hamburgerness of the food.

Only now does Miss Grundy intervene. What took her so long?

Later, in the hallway, Betty and Archie watch Jughead write on the blackboard. Archie declares Jughead’s out of control.

Betty agrees, relating an incident from yesterday: they threw him out of the market for trying to defrost hamburger with his breath.

Archie and Betty agree to stick to Jughead like glue and not let him out of their sight. They simultaneously declare “Jughead won’t fail!”

Y’know, it occurs to me that this bet (and thus the entire premise of this story) makes no sense, since what’s to stop Jughead from having hamburgers in the freezer at home?

We get a panning shot, which gives us a nice view of the Lodges’ property.

Veronica and Reggie are playing tennis. Reggie says Jughead’s lasted three days.

Veronica says he won’t make it.

Reggie isn’t sure. Betty and Archie are helping Jughead.

Veronica is adamant that Jughead won’t make it. Reggie asks Veronica if she realizes how much that it’ll cost if he does. Veronica hits the ball a little too hard when she realizes she’ll “be bankrupt” (which is bullshit; we’re talking paying for one day’s worth of burgers).

Reggie says he’ll be bankrupt too (again, bullshit; we’re talking one month’s allowance) and won’t get the skateboard.

You know the drill by now. Reggie’s gonna bring hamburgers to Jughead to tempt him. Veronica praises “Reggiekins”.

The scene ends with a dumb gag where Reggie misses the high five.

Later, Jughead crosses off Saturday, still feeling bad.

He looks at a picture book of hamburgers…

…and continues to hallucinate.

A hamburger is strategically lowered into position. Jughead believes he’s hallucinating.

He starts panting and makes a grab for the burger, but it eludes him, and he falls out the window.

Okay, let’s look at this situation. Reggie has somehow gotten onto Jughead’s roof. There isn’t a ladder in sight. I can only guess Veronica gave him a helicopter ride. He’s put his own life – as well as Jughead’s life – in danger. This is all in the name of getting a motherfucking homemade skateboard built by Archie Andrews. Is this really worth putting your life on the line?

Even if Reggie and Veronica succeed in getting Jughead to eat a hamburger, they’d have to take photographic proof or otherwise get Jughead to admit to it.

Archie (who has somehow gotten into Jughead’s house) was somehow aware of this scheme and pulls on the fishing line, causing Reggie to fall (but not off the roof, even though he easily could have).

Later, Jughead crosses off Sunday.

Later, Jughead’s walking along a street, and Reggie, hiding in a trash can, offers him a hamburger through a small door that he had constructed specifically for this purpose.

Someone takes the hamburger away, and Jughead lunges after it.

It’s a pissed-off Betty, who whacks on the trash can for good measure.

How did Reggie and Betty know Jughead would be walking this way?

Later, Jughead crosses off Monday – or tries to but falls due to exhaustion.

Reggie has disguised himself as a bush outside Jughead’s house and follows him.

Later, Jughead slowly walks past Pop’s but then gets a sudden burst of energy when he sees hamburgers sizzling on the grill. I really don’t think he’d be able to see the kitchen from the front window.

Reggie reveals himself but tries to pretend he wasn’t following Jughead.

He tries to tempt Jughead by claiming he doesn’t have to eat hamburgers in Pop’s.

Reggie says hi to Eugene, who still hasn’t had a line in this segment.

Reggie starts naming burgers from the menu. Jughead swipes the menu from him.

Pop (I guess) brings two very different meals for Jughead and Reggie.

Jughead doesn’t take it well.

Reggie excuses himself to make a call.

Jughead hallucinates the fries standing up and dancing – complete with stereotypical Arabian music.

Jughead picks up Reggie’s hamburger, but Betty takes it away before he can eat it.

Jughead lowers his head in…embarrassment? Shame? Anger? Sadness?

Also, Eugene left his arcade game but still doesn’t have any lines. Just sayin’.

Reggie comes back in from outside. Betty calls out to him. He turns to run away in panic, but…

Betty, you fucking bitch, what a waste of a perfectly good hamburger. Reggie fumes in anger.

Later, at the Lodge mansion, Veronica is upset that Reggie messed up again. Reggie isn’t concerned, because they’ve “got until 4:00”. Huh? The last day that we saw Jughead cross off the calendar was day #6 (Monday).

Veronica says they just have to think.

Reggie has an idea.

Veronica immediately shoots it down before he can even vocalize it. If she wants to come up with the ideas, why’d she tell him to think? Anyway, she comes up with her own plan.

Later, Jughead crosses off Tuesday on his calendar. So does that mean he’s made it one week?

Besides that, these fuckers have rarely been shown in school since the bet began. Are we supposed to believe most of these scenes occur before and after school? Anyway, it’s 3:15 now. Jughead has to hold out for another 45 minutes.

The phone rings. Jughead answers it with “Hamburger?” before correcting himself.

It’s Veronica, calling to “congratulate” “Juggie, dear”.

Betty and Archie are sitting on the steps of…someone’s…porch. They hear a voice call for help and run toward it.

Veronica invites Jughead to come over right now, so they can take her limo to Pop’s, where he can eat “lots and lots of hamburgers”. Why doesn’t she offer to pick him up? Or have some hamburgers cooked up by her staff? By the time that he walks over to her place, and they ride to Pop’s, it’ll likely be past 4:00, by which point she’d lose the bet.

Anyway, Jughead drops the receiver and rushes over.

Archie and Betty come across a tape player on the sidewalk. The voices on the tape exclaim “Jughead!” Why? Anyway, they’re initially confused by this.

But then Archie realizes the horrific implications! It’s a diversion! Jughead might eat a hamburger! Archie might lose his skateboard! At least, that’s my guess for this overreaction.

Anyway, they rush off.

They soon arrive at the gate of Lodge manor.

They witness Jughead entering the den of Satan. I swear Archie seems to yell “Fuck!”

Archie tries to climb the gate, but a guard dog runs over and threatens to bite off his dick.

Betty asks what now. Archie says they get “reinforcements”.

Veronica has “Juggie” wait in here while she talks to Reggie.

Ah, Veronica is a bit more clever than I gave her credit for.

One minute to go. Cutting it a little close, aren’t you? Oh, and the door has mysteriously lost some of its ornate design.

Reggie and Veronica are convinced they’ve won.

The “reinforcements” turns out to be Red, making his first appearance since the one where Archie left him tied to his unsecure bike outside while he went to see a movie.

Red blows a raspberry at the Lodges’ guard dog.

“Toro! Toro! No, I mean ‘Lame-o! Lame-o!'”

Ah, okay, I see Archie and Betty have recruited Moose and Amani to do some breaking and entering.

THIS IS ALL OVER A MOTHERFUCKING HOMEMADE SKATEBOARD, A MONTH’S WORTH OF A PRIVILEGED KID’S ALLOWANCE, AND A DAY’S WORTH OF HAMBURGERS PAID FOR BY A RICH GIRL.

The door’s locked. Archie checks his watch and declares it’s two minutes to 4:00. No, it fucking isn’t. In fact, 26 seconds have passed since we first saw Veronica’s clock display 3:59. Is this gonna come down to who has the correct time?

Anyway, Betty hopes Jughead can hold out. Amani asks how they get in.

“Moose, you dumbass motherfucker!”

For some reason, Smithers “answers” the door at this moment, even though no one rang the bell or knocked, and…

39 seconds after we first saw Veronica’s clock, it’s still 3:59 PM. Plausible, I guess.

“The fuck?!?!?!?!”

Archie, Betty, Amani, and…Eugene…run into the mansion. Eugene’s here? Anyway, Archie demands to know what the fuck they did with Jughead.

“Why, all that I did was lock him in this room with a platter of hamburgers. I won’t open the door until 4:00, at which point we won’t know whether he bit into a hamburger before or after 4:00. Yeeeaaahhh, I did not think this through.”

A fancy clock seems to indicate it’s 4:00, but I guess it’s supposed to chime or something?

The digital wall clock has disappeared. I swear DiC is fucking horrible with continuity.

Anyway, the gang assumes Jughead didn’t eat anything and won the bet.

Smithers asks “Miss Veronica” if there will be anything else. Jughead tells Smithers that they’ll need a limo. But shouldn’t Jughead eat the platter of hamburgers that he has in his hands first?

“Fuuuuuuuuuck…”

Later, at Pop’s, Jughead is rewarded for his supposed victory. Archie asks Jughead how he did it. Jughead says he owes it all to Reggie (but Archie’s mouth keeps moving, and Jughead’s doesn’t, while he says this). Archie and Betty are confused.

Jughead explains it was Reggie insisting on Archie betting his skateboard that convinced Jughead that he couldn’t let Archie down. He…sure didn’t act that way during the entire bet.

“You fucking idiot! Yeah, I’m blaming you, even though you had no way of knowing you’d strengthened Jughead’s resolve!”

Jughead thanks Archie and Betty for believing in him. Archie moves in for a hug, but…

…Jughead shoves Archie away, claiming he’s slowing him down, despite the fact that Jughead hasn’t touched a hamburger since this scene started.

Jughead orders another platter.

Later, as the bills stack up, Veronica claims Jughead’s eaten through three months’ worth of her allowance and is still eating.

Reggie takes out a month’s worth of his allowance (which he had in his pocket for whatever reason), and Moose claims it for “Arch”.

Veronica drags a confused Reggie off to hawk his skateboard, but Reggie groans before she gives the explanation. Whatever, the segment’s over, thank fucking Goddess.

This segment was pretty stupid. It was one of those “big deal out of nothing” stories. In real life, no kids would be so health conscious and so interested in what another kid eats to make a bet over it, much less follow him around and police him. Besides, here is a list of ways that I thought of in which Jughead could have cheated, and no one would have known:

*eaten a hamburger at home
*gone on a trip out of town with one of his parents
*cooked raw ground beef in the microwave
*eaten steak for dinner
*asked one of his parents to pick up take-out from Pop’s

On top of that, this is a story in which characters mind someone else’s business; I really hate that. So, yeah, fuck this segment.

Tune in next Wednesday!