The New Archies, Segment 05 – I Gotta Be Me or Is It You?

Writer: Jon Cohen
Director: Jim Simon
Original Air Date: Saturday, September 26, 1987 (assumed)
Length: 11:21

In the school gym, Archie and Eugene play basketball. Eugene asks Archie if he’s gonna ask somebody to the “after-school rock hop”. Archie says yeah. Eugene asks how to do it. Archie says just walk up and ask. Eugene lacks confidence.

Apparently, Reggie’s playing too. He asks Eugene who he has in mind. Take a guess. You’re right.

Oh, Eugene says “Kinda, sorta, yeah” twice. No reason for it. It’s really odd.

Eugene is intimidated, because Amani is “hip, happenin’, together”. He then squats, makes constipation grunts, and tries to take a dump.


Archie and Reggie encourage Eugene to ask Amani.

Then they just abruptly run away, leaving him alone. Seriously. It’s fucking hilarious. Eugene mopes to himself.

In class, Miss Grundy concludes the discussion on the life cycle of the white rat. Shockingly, no one has any questions.

Amani is daydreaming about having Eugene’s huge cock in her mouth.

So is Eugene.

Miss Grundy has Eugene pass tonight’s homework assignment out.

Eugene tells Amani that he’s giving her tonight’s assignment, and she takes it without a word. Eugene is dejected that she “doesn’t even know [he’s] alive”.

More importantly, though, he handed her the one copy of the assignment that he had held onto, and the story doesn’t even address it.

The reason that Amani ignored him, though, was because she’s infatuated with his photo (huh?), which she keeps in her book.

Miss Grundy dismisses the class. No bell rings at all.

Mr. Weatherbee stops outside the door and farts around with his appearance (he has a crush on Miss Grundy) long enough to be “surprised” by the students running out into the hallway. He doesn’t admonish them at all.

Miss Grundy has to tell a daydreaming Amani that class is dismissed. Amani knocks the cage (which Miss Grundy had set on the edge of Amani’s desk for whatever fucking reason) over, and the white rat gets out.

Mr. Weatherbee has a delayed reaction, the reaction being running around the classroom and engaging in slapstick humor like a fucking toddler before finally:

“It’s okay, I still love you.”

Miss Grundy puts “killer” (not sure if it’s the rat’s actual name or not) back in its cage. She says Amani is usually one of her best students and asks if there’s something on her mind. Amani says no. Mr. Weatherbee falls over, and trash flies everywhere. Ha.

In the…dance hall (or whatever the fuck this building is; they had the Sadie Hawkins Day dance in the gym), Veronica, Betty, and Amani are putting up the decorations. What’s with this series and kids using ladders? Riverdale Junior High would get sued into oblivion.

Anyway, Amani is daydreaming and has Eugene’s photo taped to the fucking ladder. Guess where this is going.

Sued into oblivion, I say!

Veronica chews out Amani.

Eugene’s photo floats down to Amani, even though she and Betty had climbed up the ladder. Betty learns of Amani’s hunger for Eugene’s geekcock and suggests they “talk”.

After the commercial break, Archie tries to cheer Eugene up by suggesting the tried-and-true trip to the science museum.

Eugene’s like “Amani makes my thingy feel good.”

After some banter, Reggie, a self-described “pro”, decides to give Eugene a “new image”. This does not bode well.

Betty has the same idea, and she and Veronica take Amani to, of all places, a motherfucking antique shop. That’s great if Amani wants to wear the latest 1900s fashions. Betty actually blames Eugene for being not fashionable. Veronica piles on by saying Eugene’s a nerd even by nerds’ standards. Oh, and then Betty calls Eugene a dumbass (which is the opposite of what Veronica was saying). How does this relate to Amani getting a makeover?

Veronica and Betty continue piling on insults. Look at Betty. That’s her best “trying to be tactful but really enjoying myself” face.

Betty and Veronica insult Eugene some more, and then Amani comes out in her new “dull and boring” look.

The bitches approve, but then Veronica adds the finishing touch:


At Reggie’s house, Reggie, ever the showman, presents “Gene the Riverdale Hipness Machine”.

Of course, this being Reggie, he dressed Eugene as a “Miami Vice” reject.

Third segment in a row with this shit. What the fuck?

Anyway, Archie and Jughead approve, and then Jughead swallows some falling fruit that he’d been juggling (because that’s a totally safe thing to do), amazing Archie.

“Gene” references someone named Monty (probably not Monty Hall, but I don’t know who else) and then does a white-person’s interpretation of how black people dance.

He then trips over himself and falls on something (off-screen), breaking it and sending shards of glass flying everywhere. Ha.

The next day (I guess), after a bunch of kids run into the school, the guys hang out by the entrance and give Eugene some last-minute advice.

After they go inside, the girls show up, somehow having not seen the guys, and Veronica and Betty give Amani the opposite advice.

Amani hugs the door and lets out a moan. It took me a moment to realize the glasses fucked with her vision (Veronica got them off a mannequin; why don’t they have plain glass or no glass?). At first, I thought she was humping the door. It makes as much sense as anything else on this show.

Amani is a klutz in the cafeteria (so they’re eating lunch after recess?), earning her a scowl from the cashier. This goes on for way too long.

Meanwhile, “Gene” tries to be friends with Fangs but gets his name wrong (“Fang”).

That’s his smallest fuck-up.

Surprisingly, nothing comes of this. Fangs lets Eugene live.

Amani bores a random girl with her faux sophisticated talk, causing her to get up and leave.

There’s a “gag” where Amani realizes she can’t swallow peanut butter and has to drink water. Hilarious.

In what’s apparently their first meeting, halfway through the school day, “Gene” comes over and white-blacks at Amani.

Poor Fangs.

A bit more of this, and Fangs flips his shit, declaring a food fight. This causes the entire cafeteria to go nuts. Has something like this ever happened at school?

Somehow this leads to Miss Grundy giving Eugene and Amani a month’s worth of detention for “starting the worst food fight in the history of this school”, because fuck hearing their side of the story or listening to other eyewitnesses or taking into account Fangs’ loud declaration. She then goes on to lecture them about her disappointment in them! This is bullshit! Also, it’s 2:50 PM (the end of the school day), and she’s only just now talking to them about their punishment (which Mr. Weatherbee should have already given them). And none of them have bothered to clean up.

She leaves them alone in the room (more bullshit), and they blame each other. They confess their desire for each other and are happy but then act cold and distant. This goes on for way too long.

Finally, Amani and Eugene decide to trade glasses and have a laugh over being such dumbasses.

Amani points out that they’re missing the “rock hop”. That okay with Eugene, because he doesn’t know how to dance anyway. This surprises Amani, who offers to teach Eugene in exchange for him teaching her how to use computers. It’s a deal.

Amani and Eugene rehearse for “Dancing with the Whitewashed Black Folks”.

The fucking end.

This segment was pretty lame and predictable. Worst of all, it was boring. So, so boring. Almost nothing actually happened.

Tune in next Wednesday!


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Author: markmooreauthor

I love watching anime and superhero movies, and I love playing video games. I also write fan fiction and original fiction.

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